tired of this

It's funny how it's 2.59am now and I can't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but I guess it's a fear for me to sleep now. Somehow recently I've been having really bad nightmares and I feel irradically afraid of waking up feeling the same exact way I feel before I fall asleep. I'm not sure what really is the cause of this. Not even sure if anyone ever understands what I'm trying to say.

Recently, my college has given us students an opportunity to set an entrepreneurship amongst ourselves and compete between groups to raise the most money to help a charity of our choice. Initially I never really planned to join but I did have the thought of it. I didn't really think much of it till one day Jess asked us all if we're interested to participate with one of her friends. I didn't know if I was going to be capable of doing things out of my own way as people might know that I'm kinda shy when it comes to speaking up or talking to people whom I don't really know. I joined anyway. I knew that I am going to be flooded with responsibilities and I cannot back out of it half-way through. We initially plan to just make our business small. Get products and sell them from our own branding but it gotten bigger and bigger. We (my team and I) had a much bigger vision for what we are capable of doing. The chose to help the refugee children from the Fugee School Malaysia and I don't know why everything just suddenly got bigger and bigger. I learned new things from every meeting and I sent emails to big companies and also called to enquire or made sure that the parties that we're associating with knows who we are. Responsibilities for each of us are getting heavier and heavier. Our plates were just overflowing. Maybe it's from the stress, which everyone of us have a fair share of, but I've been feeling so out of place and shape. My mind is tired even when my body isn't. Or vice versa. Things just aren't the best for me at this moment but I'm taking my time to appreciate all that is around me. But tonight is different. I feel the fear of being a bigger failure than I already am. There really isn't any logical explanation for why I feel this way. I don't seem to have the guts to fall asleep because I'm so afraid of my nightmares. I've never been so afraid of something in my life before. My anxiety is slowly creeping into me again and I don't know how to fight it. Can someone, or anyone save me? For so long I have been trying to keep myself busy to ignore problems like this but reality is I can never run away or hide. I need to face it and fight it. But how do I do it? How do I pick myself up again? And from where?

I told myself that I shall do it alone just because I was once told how dependent I was when I face a situation. I was told that I was immature when I cried. I was told that I was selfish when all I did was care. I guess people really underestimate what their words can do to someone because now, those words haunt me everyday. It makes me push away all sense of help I receive and that's not how it should be. I don't want help because I wanna prove to myself that I can be alright and up on my two feet by myself, even if it takes a long time for me to gain recognition. I will be alright soon. I just have to be strong. I don't wanna be anymore of a loser than I already am. I wanna be strong.


Goodnight,
xx
Jane.

It's still cloudy

"She was the girl, that came with the sunrise,"

I've recently been in a mini slump, a mini downfall. I actually don't know if it was a slump or downfall because overall I have still been feeling really crappy about how I feel. Maybe I can't even consider it as a downfall if I was never even up on me feet the entire time. It's really stupid to feel so low. It's stupid to feel like you owe something to someone or to feel so guilty about what happened to me. I'm guilty for letting someone hurt me the way he did and that's my fault.

That's not healthy.

I'm not healthy. 

I don't know how it's possible to be okay right now. Though, there really isn't anything to feel sad about at this moment, I can't seem to find the strength to know what I want and who I am completely as a person. I sound so dramatic but it's true. I don't know why it's that easy for people to get to me personally. I guess it's because I cared too much and the feeling of betrayal just tastes so bitter and heart-wrenching. Also, it could be the fact that I'm emotionally attached easily. I was? Now? I can't seem to give trust to anyone I know even if I do know in my heart that, that person is worthy of it. I can't afford to be shattered when I'm still in pieces. I can't afford to lose myself when I'm lost. 

But I understand that every end of a dark tunnel is where we finally see light, where we see things in a better way. I know that one day it will all be better. Day by day, I look for people who cares for comfort, people who would give me honesty and not be afraid of hurting my feelings because they want the best for me. I appreciate that people look past my flaws to bring out the best of me when all I see is someone who's completely useless and stupid. I'm getting better day by day, slowly but surely. I just don't want people to disappear and reappear as if I don't have feelings. If you don't want to stay in my life, then leave now and don't come back. If you choose to stay, stay with me. 

Of course, life has its way of working. And I know that even if I can't trust most people I meet and encounter, I should have faith that my life will work out the way it will eventually. As for right now, I'm thankful that I have people who loves me for better or worst. 

Thank you 

xx.

Jane.

Hey hey hey!

Finals are over! Well, just one more paper to go but but but it's almost over! After a long month I finally have time to do what I like and most importantly, to find myself again. I asked myself awhile back this question; If my 13 year old self saw the person who I am now, what would I think about myself? Would I be proud of myself? Would I approve of the person I have become?

And the answer is no. Although my 13 year old self won't be proud of me now, I wanna tell myself that it's not completely my fault for letting this happen to me. Ok, this post isn't going to be about me self-pitying myself I promise!

I'm not sure who's reading this but the month of April and May has been a crazy two months for me! I met new friends, tried new ice creams, went out for movies and had my finals (pretty sure I mentioned it too many times liao). I have three whole months to enjoy and have fun. I already have it all planned out, I'm going to work through the month of June and celebrate my birthday! Last teen liao, I feel so old oh my goodness T.T Hitting the big 2-0 next year but I still feel like a kid somehow. Anyways, getting back to my amazing holiday plans :D 

In the month of July, I'm going to have a mini getaway with my friends to the beautiful Redang island! I've never been there before so I hope everything will work out the way it's suppose to! Mom booked a mini getaway at a hotel near Raya,too. In August we're going on a family trip to the mainland! Honestly, I'm not super keen on the sidewalks covered with spit and the unsanitary toilets but it's a trip back to visit some distant relatives therefore I will do my best to endure T.T

Also, started working out :)

I feel healthier and happier and not to mention to prep myself for a bikini body :P Sorry, I don't want to look like a muffin T.T

Coming back in early September just in time to collect my results *cries* I hope I can pass everything to move onto degree >< 

*prays super hard*

But I can't wait for my busy holiday. Sounds kinda strange to say it but I am looking forward to keeping myself busy with work and hanging out with friends. Lunch dates to catch up over busy schedules and mini trips to the zoo and cafe hopping!

"Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark."-
Rabindranath Tagore

My final letter to you.

Dear you,

I guess by now you should know how I really feel about you. 

I blocked every possible guy out before I met you because I told myself that I never wanted to get hurt anymore. I never felt a special connection with many people but I did with you..

I guess I made a mistake too, by not knowing you well enough before I let you in deeper and that is my fault. You were the sweetest guy I've ever met. They way you cared for me when I had bad headaches and special deliveries of Starbucks and cakes. Nights when you didn't put me to sleep on calls, you would send me the sweetest 'Hey, I know you're asleep..' texts. 

I thought you were the greatest guy alive. You showed me what it takes to be a better person. I didn't learn all that just for you but to be a better person myself. 

You told me not to wear skirts because you were afraid of me slipping and showing accidentally. You told me not to go the gym or talk to guys because it wasn't your definition of loyalty. But what is yours? 

You did the same and even worst. All the things you told me, promised me, convinced me? They were never true. It was a mask. A mask to shield who you truly are inside just to get what every other man wants. And that's not the worst, as the worst was me believing that you could be someone different. I choose to believe that it was both of your faults. 

You blamed the whole thing on me. You blamed me for making people believe that it's always the guys' fault in breakups. You blamed me for our breakup because you said that I was inconsiderate, childish, immature and selfish. You said that all I looked at was money. You blamed me for walking out from your life if I did but fact is, I stayed. Throughout your worst I stayed.

You never told me things that troubled you. You kept secrets away from me and I ask myself why? If I was special enough to hold a place in your heart, why are you caging me back? What do you have to lose? Sometimes, looking at you I feel like I don't know you at all. 

You asked me for 'breaks' when we fought and I never got it. Breaks don't work. They never do. You either fix the problem now or let the problem break us. But I understand why you wanted them so desperately now. Your breaks are to mess around while you have me on a thread. Like a yoyo, to pull me up when you feel like it and push me away when you're tired of me.

You told me you would never cheat. That I was special enough for you to never do anything like that to hurt me but you were wrong. I'm not special enough. And you never loved me. Because if you did, you would have never hurt me with words that are as painful as an open wound when we fight. If you loved me, you would have never taken counts when you do things for me. If you loved me willingness surpasses ability because if there is a will, there is a way but you never even had the will in you. If you loved me, you would have never cheated. What you told me that you never want me doing that could 'jeopardize' our relationship, I never did. Instead, you did them all. You looked for the aid of your girl best friend when we had problems. Our problems, and you told me that I shouldn't go to anyone else with our problems, especially not guys. 

You lied to me. Looking back, I can't tell myself that what we had was real anymore. Because I believe that it was never true and you're the reason for why I'm the way I am now; messed up, lost and insecure. I threw away everything you gave me. All the letters, the dream catcher and every little knick-knack. You used to say that I kept my ex's gifts because I still think of him but that's not it. I value the things I receive. You made me throw it all away and I did to prove to you how loyal I am towards you. But I can't keep anything you have given me.. because it doesn't hold any value to me. Not anymore. 

I gave you back your gifts because I'm not someone who is money minded. No matter how much I like that wallet and the necklace, they don't mean anything to me when your perspective of me is so low. I choose not to have it. I choose not to hold on to it anymore. Not because I don't value them, but they are valueless already.

The pain you gave me made me build a wall where the next person who would take a challenge to break down, is going to have a tougher time doing so. Because trust can never be the same towards me anymore. I can't look at things differently and tell myself that the next person is going to be different unless that person can prove me wrong. 

You can burn the letters I gave you, the jar of notes, the pillow I made you, the PS4 camera, Throw away everything that comes with a memory of me but they do not matter anymore. You taught me something very valuable, which is not to trust someone completely anymore. That no matter how convincing someone is at the beginning, if there isn't a consistency of effort throughout the relationship, I know how things are going to end. People don't change, people just stop pretending to be someone they're not and the real person in them shows. 

You never changed, you just stopped being the person who you aren't. I gave my all in our relationship and I guess it's time for me to find someone who's willing to give me his all, too. 

I deserve as much happiness as I give. I deserve someone who would accept me for better or for worst. I deserve someone who knows me well and still loves me even when I throw hardcore tantrums when I feel shitty. Someone who would pick me up when I'm helpless and down in the dirt to deserve me when I'm happy and on top of the world. 

 This will be my last letter to you. 

Signing off, 

your ex.

Our life is what our thoughts make it. - Marcus Aurulius

T for trust

Hey, took awhile for me to come back to blogging and I admit that I don't have the consistency to blog all the time. Finals are coming back again real soon but tonight, I feel the need to let out some thoughts.

Everynight for the past week, the only thing that was in my mind was 'why'? Why did things happen the way it did? Why did that person do what that person to do to hurt me this bad? I'm not here to bad mouth anyone. If things were bound to happen, I couldn't stop them. I can never stop anything in God's will. I'm not a big believer in superstitions and what not but I guess I do believe in, if things are meant to be this way then it's meant to be this way. Nothing and no one can stop it. Is it tough for me to accept it? To take it in? Yes. Is it hard for me to process all these negativity? Yes. 

Yes, people will never get the way I feel. They don't know how I'm hurting inside. They don't know how it feels to be cheated. To have your trust taken away just like that as if it doesn't matter. Like you don't even matter as a person. I am thankful to have countless support from my friends. I am thankful to know things and hidden secrets now than in the future, but why? 

Trust is like a piece of paper. Once you crumple it, you can't straighten it seamlessly anymore. Trust is like a valuable piece of glass. Once you break it, you can never put the shattered pieces together anymore. Once you break someone's trust, that person is broken. You can't fix that person and even if you do, it wouldn't be the same anymore. 

Promises are important to me. Promises should be important to everyone. A promise is a bridge to build trust. Without promises, there wouldn't be a trust bridge built. If you can't keep a promise, don't make them. It's as simple as that. Be consistent with what you say and what you do. These are the little things that makes a difference in someone's life. If you can't be the same person from the beginning, don't be that person you are then. 

When people ask me to forget about the whole situation and move on, I just want to clarify one thing. It's not that I can't forget it and move on. You can't have someone giving you a painful cut that is as deep to a point where your bones is visible and ask that person to not feel the pain. This is an aftermath, it's impossible. You can't give them a time limit to stop feeling pain. Eventually it will heal, yes. But for the moments where the pain is excruciating, asking someone to forget about it is impossible. However, I am thankful for the people in my life giving me positivity and support towards me. For not giving up on me even when I'm difficult. The way the pull me up when I don't have the strength to get up. I see it and they will never know how thankful I am to have them in my life. I might not show it but in my heart, I thank you all tremendously.
I will learn to let it go slowly. The pain will subside and the cut will heal. It will leave a scar. A scar to remind me not to play with knives, for it will hurt no one but myself. A scar that has taught me a lesson. A scar that made me realize how important it is to be a better person each and everyday to not be at where I am again. A scar that will remind to be careful with the people I know and will meet in the future.
It's going to be a difficult lock for the next person to break, but it is worth it to put my guards up in order to not get hurt the way I did this time.

''He didn't like it when I wore high heels

But I do

Turn the lock and put my headphones on

He always said he didn't get this song

But I do, I do'' - Begin Again-Taylor Swift 

14 Things I learned in 2k14

Am I hipster enough?

Hey everyone, I'm finally done with my AS and this calls for celebration. And by celebration I mean come home and just do nothing. Anyway, anyone else thinks that 2014 went by too fast? It's already November! Another six more weeks away from Christmas! Not that I actually celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving  like eat turkey and mashed potatoes and what not but this year's just extra special to me because I get to spend it with my man. Something that I'm really looking forward to. Not about the presents, it's just spending time with him and being happy and warm with all the Christmas carols in malls. And their car parks too. 

This year, I feel and think differently about a lot of things. Not sure what's the cause of my sudden feels but I just do. Maybe it's the people that associates with me that influenced me but I honestly appreciate my feelings a little more and learned not to ignore it and shove it away (unless necessary). Often times, I doubt myself. I am negative about a lot of things. Especially when it comes to myself, my doubts rises to a whole new level. I can't get the hang of why my self-esteem is a piece of shit but I guess we all have that in ourselves to keep us sane and not cocky but I guess that for some people, it might be a little lower than others. Before I get into that, again, I better get on with my boring life lessons ha ha

1. I learned to love myself. 

Now, I know, I self loath all the time. Everyone does that. That's how people feel pre-depression. I never really loved myself where I sat down and really understand myself completely. When I say that I learned to love myself, it doesn't mean that I never loved myself. I have always loved myself. Just not as well as I do now. I learned to love myself for who I am. See, the thing is, no one will ever like you for who you are. This is a fact. That's why people fight. Because they don't see eye to eye on a lot of things and this is where self-esteem goes down too. Bullies and hurtful remarks about everything they do. It will always get me and bring me down but it's also important to get back up after being down and learn to love the good and also the bad side of yourself. Learn to admit to your flaws and see beneath those covers you try to mask to everyone. Learn to accept yourself for who you are. I'm crazy and jumpy and I am easily amused. I melt so easily when my man tells me corny, cheesy things. As stubborn as I am, I do listen too. It's just alright to admit that you have bad sides just as you have good sides and the best part? You understand yourself well enough.

2. Acceptance.

Life throws hard curves at everyone. As unfair as it is, it's fair. Because someone once said 'Life is fair because it's unfair to everyone'. So when life do throw shit at you, accept. As difficult as it seems to accept, you do. You must. Just  remember that there will always be someone who's going through something far worst than yours. And everyone does have the rights to feel that what they're going through is the shittiest, because it's their life and we will never understand completely. You can feel as down and shitty as you want but bear in mind, life goes on. We move on. For better or worst.

3. It's okay to be down and feel crappy.

There will be days that we all just feel terrible. Maybe something bad happened in school or something and we'll have people telling us mean things and bad news just flies through the window and hits you like a tonne of bricks. This is one thing I learned. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to have emotions that are negative. It's okay to be unhappy out of the blue but always, always remember to get back on your feet. And for those of you who knows someone who's going through a bad day, be there for them. A simple act of kindness and patience will actually help. Because what you give is what you would get.

4. Patience is virtue.

Yes. It really is. Patience solves everything. Though, everyone and everything has a limit so remember to never push it. It goes both ways for me. I'm not just talking about everyone else. I have learned that patience can help solve things and mend broken wounds that we all cause. And to the people that we love, there are no doubt that your patience will be the greatest. After all, they are your loved ones. Patience is what gets everyone through rainy days and bad storms.

5. Believe.

I learned to believe in the impossible. Let your heart fall in love. Let your mind believe that it's strong enough for difficult obstacles. Believe in good faith. Believe in good people. Believe in yourself. our belief is what keeps us going.

6. To never stop learning.

We all have endless things to learn about. From how to change the highest lightbulb in the house to how to handle an individual's problem. We don't stop learning. Learning is more than just education as learning about everyone makes you a good man. Those who think that they know enough will not get them far in life. We have so much in us to be better and those who makes mistakes, learns from mistakes and we move on and be a better man. Life's a lesson :)

7. I learned to fall in love again.

Love is magical, they bring us to another dimension where no one will understand but only you and the other person. Love is also a whole package, it comes with a whole bunch of good and bad side dishes (like that disgusting Bean Boozled by Jelly Belly). You can't choose to take the bad side dishes away but you can learn to accept and maybe make the best out of what we have and chances are we will make something extremely beautiful. You can't have a complete Ying & Yang if we don't have the Ying in the Yang and the Yang in the Ying. Fights will happen. Love promises no perfection of no arguments but those are the elements that will add extra flavors into our love. 

8. Learn to forgive and be sincere with your apologies.

Now, when we make mistakes, the only good thing that will come out of the whole situation is realizing your mistake. Remember how I said that mistakes are never ending? Yes, and those are the things that will determine if we make it or break it in a relationship. Spears are bound to be thrown and each other and once you said what you said, you can't take it back and that is when we all sit down for a little and realize your mistakes. When you finally accept your mistakes, apologize. Be sincere. If you aren't? Don't say it. Because one day, our apologies would not matter to the other person anymore. If the other person apologizes for their mistakes, learn to forgive. Hold the grudge for a short while and move on. That's how we learn. That's how we be a better person. Let them know that you have forgiven them and mend things up too. It's not only the person who hurt you's job to completely mend things. Because that's how we make a team, we patch things up and let them know that you're in it with them too.

9. Enjoy the littlest things in life.

This particular thing I have, has been in me for quite a bit now. I always tell myself that the littlest things in life makes the biggest impact. Maybe you help someone wipe the sauce off of the corners of their lips and you write them a little sticky note on how great they are or just compliment someone about their shoes, these are the things that will actually make people remember that good things do happen and sometimes they come in small doses. I will often slip and overlook this but it's only fair to pull yourself back in to realize how amazing life is and appreciate every moment of things before it's too late.

10. Be a little crazy.

Not party wild but spontaneous crazy. Go on an impromptu date with your girlfriends or your man. These are the moments where we will one day look back and story to our kids. 'Your father came over to my place out of the blue with some flowers', or 'Your mother set up a nice picnic out on the living room floor'. These are the kinds of things we live to do for. Make a mark in someone's life with your craziness. Do something special out of nowhere, we only live for such a short life and how we should live is without any regrets when we're old and wrinkly one day.

11. Be sane too.

As much as the craziness makes a big impact in our lives, it's safe to say that our sanity should be there too. There will be serious times where you would have the need to sit down and have proper conversations about certain things and have deep conversations between you and your partner too. Connect in the minds as much as you wanna connect physically.

12. Be positive.

Depression isn't the best thing to have. Okay, depression is the worst that could do to anything and the feeling of being depressed cannot be saved easily. But with the right person, insane patience and a big bottle of positive juice, life isn't as dull as it seems anymore. There is always a better side to everything and boo, if you're reading this, this is for you. Thank you for pulling me out of my depression. Your patience, love and kindness do make me a better person and same goes to you. There is nothing we can't face and solve in a positive way. Life is full of colours, however grey, black and white are colours too, don't forget that there is so much more in life to only have three monotones. I'm not saying that I won't be negative sometimes but I am learning to be better when I face certain things to have a brighter outlook of the situation.

13. Have fears and take risks.

Our fears are what makes us human. As brave as we can be, we have fears. Life's like that. You be afraid and if you think that it's worth taking a risk to be better or the risk of achieving what we want, then grab it. Take that leap of faith and just remember, no matter how bad the outcome is? Don't regret. Learn from it.

14. Give and take.

I learn to give as much as I learned to take. Sometimes it might seem to people that all the other person does is take and not give. But here's the thing, we all only see what we give and how the other person only takes but we miss out on when they do give back and when we take. I do that too, we all do that too. We take more than we give too. This is where we should all look at the big picture and re-adjust our attitudes on things.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I promise to blog more now that my exams are over :)

Enjoy today's little read.

Cheerio 

Thoughts

        As a person, all we think of ourselves are just how we're not bad people. We don't like hearing things such as how mean we can be and how hurtful our words can be. I just come to realize that not every bad trait is bad.. It's just a part of us. 

     Not everyone will like and accept the person we are but there will be people who will love us exactly the way we are. I have this friend, whom I consider her as my soul sister. Now, her attitude is different. Call it bad or call it good but she is who she is. I met her when we were in primary and not many people liked her then. I wasn't as close to her as I am now but I didn't really like her either. If she likes you, she's cool with you. If she doesn't? She's not afraid to tell you in your face that she does not. Her opinions are strong. Not many people can accept that. Many would assume that she's mean. Some would even consider her as a capital B. Not everyone can share the same opinion on the same things but it doesn't mean that, that person is bad. It all just depends on whether you can have that clique with them. She knows her attitude. The way she is and it speaks to me that it's okay to be myself. It's okay to look at the good and the bad side of you. 

          I'm the complete opposite of her. I'm soft in a way. I don't speak my mind to the people that does things that irks me. I keep my opinions to myself. I find that I can't tell many people how I actually feel about them directly but it doesn't mean that I'm fake. It just means that I want to look at people on their good side. I hide my feelings to not involve myself into anymore 'high school drama' and it's okay to do that. Everyone will find people that they can relate to. It doesn't matter about how many people you find but it's about how well you can relate to that person. It's hard to look at yourself in different perspective sometimes but for me, I was a very ignorant person. I judge what I see and not think twice about a lot of things. I get so frustrated when fights and misunderstandings happen but have I ever thought that maybe, I actually did do something wrong and hurt someone else. This world isn't just about yourself. You have to consider about everyone else. How they feel about things and there are so many opinions and perspective of things and the best thing to do is listen. I don't know what has gotten into me but I feel different now. In a way, my perspective of things have changed and I do feel like it will help me overcome things in the future. Things will still tear me down. I'm a rather sensitive person. I care about people's opinion on me however, I do want to use them to help me to be a better person. As long as I breathe, I can improve. I'm not going to lie of all the good and bad traits I have because I'm proud of who I am. Yes, even for the bad traits. I will still have days where I think that I'm not good enough as a person but going through pain and lessons have taught me to not focus so much on these insecurities that I have. We all have good and bad parts to balance us out. It's not that hard looking at the good and bad side of us. Everyone has it and that's okay. We're all just humans with feelings and attitudes. 

Sorry that this post is so random, thoughts just popped up from my mind and I'm in bed so I decided to blog using my phone. 

 

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan 

Cheerio. 

Step 1

Sorry that I'm vain, kinda rhymes with my name. Hey. 

What do you do when things don't turn out the way you expected things to turn out? Accept. As hard as it is, as much of a denial people are, I guess the best way to handle things is to accept. It's not easy. Awhile ago when I was on twitter, I saw tweets that says how some people love each other but can't be together? I thought it was silly. Why? Why wouldn't and why can't people be together when they love each other so much? It does not add up.

But when that situation actually fall upon me? I understood why now. Why some people can't be together even when they love each other. Maybe it's because of disapproval from families or there's a reason why they have to be separated but who knows? However, the most common reason I can say is misunderstanding. So, how do you get over things? I don't know because I'm still trying to figure out how too. My friends always tell me that time heals it all. Yeah as much as they understand you, they will never understand the pain. The thing is that you would have to go through all the emotions thinking that maybe there wouldn't be a second chance in the future to be in that person's arms and laughing with them is just so hard. Almost torture. You know how when people say things like 'Oh, he/she ain't worth your time to cry over for', well truth is it doesn't matter about how worthy that person is, you fell for him/her and when something happens, you will feel the pain. You will feel empty, like a part of you is missing. You can't deny it no matter how hard it is to accept it. It is hard. You will think about what if that person who once or still does, mean so much to you, to suddenly not be able to love you like they do or not be able to be with you. You will think what if that person loses feelings towards me and what if that person can live without you despite of all the promises you guys made to each other. All I can say is that, if both parties still love each other, I know that it's not just you who would feel it. The other person will too.

Some people aren't as lucky as those who gets second chances with the same person again. For me, second chances are rare ( I'm sure I've repeated that far too many times already in this month but hey, it's true dawg ). One thing about second chances with the same person is that, you guys already know each other. Maybe the reason why it failed the first time is because you guys didn't understand each other and you get so frustrated when the both of you argue. Throwing words at each other and hurting each other to a point where it just feels like there's no point of working things out anymore and you'd just give up. You give up something so beautiful but it doesn't mean you don't love that person. You do, that's why it ended up this way. But if you guys still love each other, do try to work things out. It's not easy to fall in love with someone and give your all to and suddenly it all just goes to waste. This isn't just one person's fault. It's both, so listen to each other out and work things out slowly. If you love that person, your effort is all that is needed.

As for me, I have a lot to tell to one person. I miss you. As hard as it is to be apart from you, I understand how hard it is for you too. Although, I will never understand exactly how you feel, and you wouldn't either, I just want you to know that if our second chance comes, I'm going to appreciate it as much as I do the first time. I still do, in fact. Distance and time will help. I understand as bad of a denial I am sometimes, I would love to know you a little better too. Go out on dates and have the second chance for me to fall in love with you again. But this time? I'll fall a little more because my love for you has never faded and I still keep it in me each and every day. I'll always check my phone every now and then to see if you text me. However, when I won't hesitate to start the conversation. At the same time, give you the time and distance away from me in order to make yourself feel better. We all need that. We all need to feel the pain in order to be better. As much as 'appreciating that moment', we often need to go through certain things to look back and learn from them too. I appreciate that you want to fix this too instead of breaking it and leaving it no strings attached. I know how you'd avoid that person after a break up and it does make me feel special that you would still want to give this another chance but after fixing ourselves and slowly picking up the scattered pieces that our hearts left. I appreciate how we can have the chance to slowly build an understanding and trust again and most of all, how we still have each other in our lives.

There are still a lot of things in me that I can't exactly put into. But I guess I need to slowly pick up my scattered pieces that I need to pick up myself and accept how things are. It is always the hardest step. The first step. Your phone gets a little more quiet and your chest has a constant feeling of pain, sadness and emptiness. But I'm taking it step by step each day and get to know my best friend a little more now. I hope it all works out.

I guess we all have to adapt to changes and be happy. It's okay to be upset and have feelings. It's okay to be down and sit on the ground and refuse to get up for a while but it's better to know when it's time to pick yourself up and be happier and be a better person.

“Hope
 Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 
― Alfred Tennyson

Forever & Always.
Cheerio.

This love

Maybe my contrasting skills suck.

What's love? People fall in love but most of us only know half the meaning of it. Now, I'm not saying that I know about love completely but all I can say is, different people have different perspective of love. Truth is, love has no definition. So, what is my point of view of love? What do I know about love?

Love is a feeling that we all can't describe. We feel it, though. As a kid, love is when you were a kid and you get a treat as a reward when you do something good. Love is when your parents got you your favourite toy from the store after asking them for some time. Love is when you have play time with your best friend and you share secrets together. As you grow older, love is all about two people having feelings for each other. Sharing this spark and this passion. The idea of love that burns in the back of your mind, in all of us are those couples in the movies. Those couple would do things for each other and surprises each other with their effort. Chasing each other and standing in the rain till the other person comes out, those are the kind of love that is imprinted in us. We expect that. Now I can't and won't say that it's bad. We all want love, don't we? We crave for that special someone who would walk into our lives to change us. Truth is, it is how love is. Love changes us. For better or worst, it changes us.

Love isn't just there when you fall for someone. It's there when your best friend calls you and asks you how are you. It's love when you do a good deed for a stranger. Love is when you listen to your friends when they have something to say or lend a helping hand to someone knowing that they need an extra hand. It's not that kinda love that you're thinking but it's the kind of love that gives out kindness and sensitivity towards a person. We all have that kind of love in us where it isn't just between two people.

As for me, I fall in love. I love being in love. I love that love of mine for kids and for my family and friends. And then I have my love for my special someone. That kind of love burns in me and mostly everyone, I'm sure. It brings out a side of me that I never knew I had. Like I said, everyone's perspective of love, or things, are different. For me, love is kind. Love is selfless. Love is when you listen to your partner or friends when they need a listener. I'm not perfect. But I believe to work things out between two people is to compromise, listen, patience and effort. Compromising is when two people first get together. No two people are the same. No matter how similar they can be, there will be differences. And the differences are the things that will make them face obstacles and things they don't like and there will be fights. Fights are when couples learn to compromise. You take in what the other person has to say and stand your grounds when you speak. However, it's only healthy when two people take a step back an solve their problems by compromising. If you ask me how? I don't know. Every situation is different. Then there is listening. It's one of the most important things in a relationship. Listening. I can say that I'm a big talker. I talk about everything to my man and for me, when I'm with a person, I will share and tell him everything. Because he's my best friend. Now, my man is a rather quiet person. He does ask me questions and starts conversations too. He does a very good job in listening but when it comes to talking, it's usually me who tells him about everything. But I'm also a listener. I love to listen as much as I love talking. I would not mind at all when he or any of my friends come to me to have a heart-to-heart talk, I'd love to listen. It makes me feel important. Even if I can't talk or say anything about what they are going through, the least I can do is listen. If my man has any problems, I would drop whatever I'm doing just to listen to him. Patience is something a lot of people don't possess. The patience some people have wears as thin as a chiffon scarf and it's not a bad thing. It's just how some people are. But don't forget that patience is actually one of the most important things a person needs to possess. Not just in love too, but in them as a person. When a fight boils up, as a partner we should be patient. No one likes fighting and being upset and have it going on for days. But when your other half is down and going through a rough day or a period of time, it's up to you to be there for them no matter what. When two people get together, there must be a reason why. God put them together and it's up to them to either stay strong towards the very end no matter what or melt down on an obstacle half way. Strong couples are patient with each other. They are tolerant. No matter what they throw at each other sometimes, the other party understands. They tell them that what they said or did, hurt them and they talk about it. If there is no patience, why be together? Talk to them nicely about it and don't just give up on making a person feel better after some tries. It takes patience for one to make the other party feel better and if you guys can do it? You guys are a strong couple. Tolerance and patience is something you need in a relationship. Never give up on making the other person feel loved. That is effort. Efforts are very broadly classified. Let's just say that effort can be when you're very busy with work and you pop a text to your other half. It counts. When you drive all the way to your other half's just to see if they're ok. That is effort. Effort is when you think of that person and you write a short note telling them to 'Remember to eat. I love you'. Effort is when you make time just to ask the other person how their day was. You don't need to spend money on this. When you love that person, it comes naturally that the smallest and the most littlest ( ok most and littlest cant go together but it's only right that I do so ha ha ) things to make the other person happy. If you're reading this boo, I am thankful that you put it so much effort to make me happy.

For me, I can honestly say that I appreciate letters and home made cards a lot. I'm not going to be superficial and tell you that gifts bought by money isn't sentimental or what not because if it's from my man? It's my fav. But letters and cards and gifts that are handmade can never top anything else. It's a sign of effort and love that no one can describe. The fact that he took time off from his busy schedule to write me a letter or make me a card or whatever already makes me happy and what more can I ask for? I'm not saying that gifts from stores don't make me happy. Let's be real, we all do. Guys AND girls. We all like to be spoiled with materials and it's normal. But it is more thoughtful to have a written letter filled with all the words he could describe his love for me. Yes I really really love that. Once my man told me I got a lollipop for you and I was so so happy that I kept it for weeks not wanting to eat it just because it was all the thoughts that I wanted to keep. For all the time he took off just to text me that he misses me and thinks about me, I appreciate his effort. I'm not just saying it, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I'm not a perfect girlfriend and neither is he a perfect boyfriend but I like how imperfect we are. Our fights are what makes us real and mistakes are always never ending but love is everlasting. It's only up to us if we want to make it or break it. But it's only fair if both parties don't stop trying to do their part in the relationship to prove their love and just to show the other person how much they love them. It doesn't always have to be things. Just spending time and holding hands or doing nothing can be special too. Learning about the other person makes things easier and let me just tell you, there will never be a day where you'll learn about your partner a 100% because a person is differently the same each day. It makes more sense in my head but never mind. This is love to me. Patience, tolerance, effort, listening and compromising. Obviously there are never ending elements that 'explains' love but these are the kind of love between two people. Every one and every couple is different. These are just how I look at things. I make mistakes too. Tons in fact but if my partner truly loves me, he will be patient to tell me all the things I did wrong and pick me up when I'm down. That is what I would do for my man. I will always and forever always be there for him.

(P.s I'm no expert in love of whatever. This is all what I think of love, ok? ok.)

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and  love.

But the greatest of these is love.”  

― Anonymous, Holy Bible: King James Version

Cheerio. 

Unpleasant

Time to find myself again.

I think it's time to sit back and type out my feelings again. I apologize for abandoning my blog but somehow my apologies are no use as I'm just too busy to blog. Who reads my crap anyways? I dunno. 

A-Levels is pretty stressful. I have not seen sights of hair fall or whatever but the stress I get emotionally is becoming more and more serious. Maybe it's the fact that I always had the fear of failing academically and being a good-for-nothing in other things I do and it doesn't make sense to feel that way. Maybe it's the 'overshadowing' by my siblings but I always found that I'd never be quite as good as them in everything I do. Of course, I never talked to anyone about this (until I met my man) and every time something bothered me, I tried to push it away. When people asked me to do things that is out of my comfort-zone, I'd have anxiety. When I sit for my finals every year, I'd have anxiety and that would lead to me having stomach aches and it's becoming more and more heavy upon me as I grew older. That feeling of fear that I might do badly in what I'm about to do made me break down recently and everything was just so dull and down for me. It felt as if I was being sucked in this black hole that constantly threw that 'Not Good Enough' tittle at me and it made me feel so down. I only wanted to cry as it was the only way I knew for me to handle. It really is not easy. No one really understands.

I'm sure the term 'Depression' is over-rated in my generation and people assumed that they're depressed just because they're upset. No, being depressed and upset is two completely different things. When you're depressed, it feels as if everything that happened is because of me. Sometimes, you don't even know why you're feeling like that.. You just do. People asked me why? Why are you depressed? Everything is great, so why? The answer is; sometimes, you just do. You just feel like everything is wrong. You just feel like you hit rock bottom. Including all the things that are not related in the slightest bit. You loath yourself to the max and everything is just dull and grey. You want to hurt yourself. All you feel is this pain that hurts so bad that you can't tell if it's a physical problem or it's the pain you feel emotionally. Sometimes, you can't sleep. You lie in bed thinking of all the bad things you thought you did and tears just starts to pour and when you're too tired, you'd finally fall asleep on your drenched pillow. I'm not even exaggerating of how bad it can be. Maybe even worst. You just feel so useless and worthless. Depression is serious and it's really unpleasant to go through. 

How do I pick my feet up again when I need help? I need a leaning shoulder. A pillar to support myself. Does anyone even understand how it feels? I'm sure everyone's pain in depression are different and we can never compare because we are all on our verge of insanity. Might be mild or might even be severe, but all I know is that everyone who goes through this need one person. Themselves. I need my man. But he as right, I need to find myself again because this is not me. This isn't who I am. I'm not like that. I may need him a lot but I need to find myself again because right now, I'm lost in my grey world. That black hole that sucked me in? Yeah, I'm lost in it. So by pulling myself out of this shitty mess, I wanna make myself happy first. 

What do I like to do? Or what makes me happy? Simple. My man, he makes me happy. Looking at pictures make me happy. Eating. No, not one of those girls who goes gaga over every new cafe there is around the corner. I just like food. Not that I consider myself a 'foodie' because I don't really post food pictures on my Instagram. So uncool T.T . My lame romance novels makes me happy too. Being alone at times make me happy. I like painting, something I have not touched in a long time. Writing in my brown journal about nonsense makes me happy which reminds me, I must finish my journal! I've had that book for a year-almost two and I still have not finished a journal. I made myself happy. I laughed at every little thing that isn't even funny sometimes and I used to be so cheerful. I had down days too but not to this point. This strange pain is just so unfamiliar to me and I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy. I also missed blogging. Again, who reads this shit? It's so full of crap and it's not systematic and I don't even know half the crap I blogged but it just makes me happy. It makes me feel as if I'm fearless. I miss taking pictures and I miss doing what I like doing. I should not care about every little thing everyone has to say about me. It will hit me. It will hurt me. It did. But I was stronger when I was younger so, what's stopping me? Why am I being so dependent and attached to being like this? I dunno. Again. It just happens. 

I'm giving myself time to pick myself up but I know that I'm better than who I was few hours ago. I might feel crappy every now and then but I'll need my support to help me on my feet again. He's a superb boyfriend and I just wanna thank him for all that he has done for me (You know who you are). I wanna thank my friends for being there for me even when I know they don't read my blog, I just wanna say thank you. And my mother. You might not understand me completely but you are being patient with me. Thanks ma. Don't read my blog ever pls. And my little sister. You're too young to be here pls. 

Just kidding. Thank you for letting me be this annoying to you.

I sound like an emotional wreck but there are things that no one will ever understand - how you feel. They might understand 'pain' and being 'hurt' but other than that, they don't know and they wouldn't know. 

All I know is that it is unpleasant.

“Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all.” 

Cheerios.