Where is she?

The girl who once had so much faith in the world.

Where is she now?

The girl who once had sparkles in her eyes and who never gave up her hopes and dreams. The girl who believed that the best is yet to come, where is she now? The girl who had undesirable love for kids and who would do absolutely everything to help them, where? The girl who knew what she was doing and where she was going, where is she now? The girl who never gave up on all the little things that mattered. 

Perhaps she lost her way whilst getting to the destination. 

It's okay, she'll find her way soon. 

Simple things.

A piece of candy with a sweet note attached. Flowers. A sudden call. 

Holding the door. Walking closer to the road on the pavement just we could be safe. Pulling out the seat.

Handwritten letters. Personalized gifts. Compliments.

Genuine compliments.

Surprising us with food. Surprising us for no reason. Not being too calculative with money.

Remembering when the time of the month is. Sweet texts. Long texts with emojis.

Short sweet texts. Whatever will do.

Walking us to our car. Carrying groceries - light or heavy. Holding hands when you're both reading.

Being attentive to our behaviors. Little cute notes. Sticky notes. 

Reminders of when to pass up your assignment. Wiping sauce off your face. Hugs.

Forehead kisses. Kisses in general. Naps together. 

Respecting our boundaries. Knowing your favourite ice cream. And tea.

And food.

Yes, I said food again.

Comforting us when we're down. Patience. Love.

The way we catch you looking at us in nothing but pure amusement in your eyes. Making an effort to plan a date. Asking about your day.

Listening about our day. Listening to our stories. Listening to our dreams.

Reading together. Cuddle sessions. Slow dancing to the sweetest and cheesiest music.

Cute pictures. Instagram posts. Handmade cards.

Remembering what brand of face moisturizers we use. Spending time even if it's just 10 minutes. Asking questions.

Making sure you're safe. All the time. All the damn time.

Long drives. Deep talks. Short drives.

Jamming in the car to the playlist made for you and I.

The sweet tone you talk to us with. The little gestures of affection. Endless support on every decisions we make.

Discovering new things together. Trolley races at the car park. Home made meals.
Laughing together.

Little things matter.

Little things matter to show you care. Little things to let us know how much you want to be the best for us. Little, selfless things to show nothing but pure love. To ensure that we're alright and safe in your arms because with you here, we can be absolutely fearless.

Yes, little things matter.

Do people change or do they reveal who they really are in time?

Are people capable of keeping the love they once did everything in their will to attain?

Is it love that we're afraid of or is it the person that we fell in love with that we're afraid of? Afraid of losing them, afraid of them gradually turning into a stranger. The person we once fell in love with disappeared into someone we barely even know now?

So how do I over come it? How do I learn to open my scarred heart again? How do I learn to be brave again and not take every flaw that happens as a red flag? How do I start believing again?

How do I start? Where do I start?

Tonight.

Tonight's just one of those nights where my thoughts begin to do gymnastics and endless cardio.

Maybe it's the pms but tonight's just one of those nights where I wanna bawl my eyes out over the most petty reasons. Tonight's also one of those nights where I wished I had someone to go to and just cry without feeling stupid but instead, feel like I'm well protected. Someone who would tell me it's okay. Someone who would just hold me and whisper "it'll all good. Why don't we go get cheese tart tomorrow?" Someone who would wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks and tell me how cute my ugly crying face is. Someone who would go through it all with me no matter how tough I am to handle.

Tonight's one of those nights where I fill my cup with doubts and worries. Thoughts that won't make sense the moment I open my eyes tomorrow morning. How stupid I'd feel thinking back about this very moment typing this. 

Tonight's one of those nights where I need comfort. To be encouraged with patience and love. To be showered in care. To know that I'm silly for overthinking. 

Tonight's one of those nights where I want to drown myself in deep sleep. Sleep so good you never want to get up. Sorry, I'm not suicidal okay? 

Tonight's one of those nights where I want to believe in myself. Tell myself I'm not the loser I feel I am. I am a strong person who has her own path. Tell myself that I may not be good in what my siblings are good at and still be as amazing. Tell myself it's okay to be different. I should not expect myself to be someone just to please anyone else but accept me for myself. Just the way I am. I should look at all the things I am and not my flaws. 

Tonight's one of those nights I just want to be okay.