This love

Maybe my contrasting skills suck.

What's love? People fall in love but most of us only know half the meaning of it. Now, I'm not saying that I know about love completely but all I can say is, different people have different perspective of love. Truth is, love has no definition. So, what is my point of view of love? What do I know about love?

Love is a feeling that we all can't describe. We feel it, though. As a kid, love is when you were a kid and you get a treat as a reward when you do something good. Love is when your parents got you your favourite toy from the store after asking them for some time. Love is when you have play time with your best friend and you share secrets together. As you grow older, love is all about two people having feelings for each other. Sharing this spark and this passion. The idea of love that burns in the back of your mind, in all of us are those couples in the movies. Those couple would do things for each other and surprises each other with their effort. Chasing each other and standing in the rain till the other person comes out, those are the kind of love that is imprinted in us. We expect that. Now I can't and won't say that it's bad. We all want love, don't we? We crave for that special someone who would walk into our lives to change us. Truth is, it is how love is. Love changes us. For better or worst, it changes us.

Love isn't just there when you fall for someone. It's there when your best friend calls you and asks you how are you. It's love when you do a good deed for a stranger. Love is when you listen to your friends when they have something to say or lend a helping hand to someone knowing that they need an extra hand. It's not that kinda love that you're thinking but it's the kind of love that gives out kindness and sensitivity towards a person. We all have that kind of love in us where it isn't just between two people.

As for me, I fall in love. I love being in love. I love that love of mine for kids and for my family and friends. And then I have my love for my special someone. That kind of love burns in me and mostly everyone, I'm sure. It brings out a side of me that I never knew I had. Like I said, everyone's perspective of love, or things, are different. For me, love is kind. Love is selfless. Love is when you listen to your partner or friends when they need a listener. I'm not perfect. But I believe to work things out between two people is to compromise, listen, patience and effort. Compromising is when two people first get together. No two people are the same. No matter how similar they can be, there will be differences. And the differences are the things that will make them face obstacles and things they don't like and there will be fights. Fights are when couples learn to compromise. You take in what the other person has to say and stand your grounds when you speak. However, it's only healthy when two people take a step back an solve their problems by compromising. If you ask me how? I don't know. Every situation is different. Then there is listening. It's one of the most important things in a relationship. Listening. I can say that I'm a big talker. I talk about everything to my man and for me, when I'm with a person, I will share and tell him everything. Because he's my best friend. Now, my man is a rather quiet person. He does ask me questions and starts conversations too. He does a very good job in listening but when it comes to talking, it's usually me who tells him about everything. But I'm also a listener. I love to listen as much as I love talking. I would not mind at all when he or any of my friends come to me to have a heart-to-heart talk, I'd love to listen. It makes me feel important. Even if I can't talk or say anything about what they are going through, the least I can do is listen. If my man has any problems, I would drop whatever I'm doing just to listen to him. Patience is something a lot of people don't possess. The patience some people have wears as thin as a chiffon scarf and it's not a bad thing. It's just how some people are. But don't forget that patience is actually one of the most important things a person needs to possess. Not just in love too, but in them as a person. When a fight boils up, as a partner we should be patient. No one likes fighting and being upset and have it going on for days. But when your other half is down and going through a rough day or a period of time, it's up to you to be there for them no matter what. When two people get together, there must be a reason why. God put them together and it's up to them to either stay strong towards the very end no matter what or melt down on an obstacle half way. Strong couples are patient with each other. They are tolerant. No matter what they throw at each other sometimes, the other party understands. They tell them that what they said or did, hurt them and they talk about it. If there is no patience, why be together? Talk to them nicely about it and don't just give up on making a person feel better after some tries. It takes patience for one to make the other party feel better and if you guys can do it? You guys are a strong couple. Tolerance and patience is something you need in a relationship. Never give up on making the other person feel loved. That is effort. Efforts are very broadly classified. Let's just say that effort can be when you're very busy with work and you pop a text to your other half. It counts. When you drive all the way to your other half's just to see if they're ok. That is effort. Effort is when you think of that person and you write a short note telling them to 'Remember to eat. I love you'. Effort is when you make time just to ask the other person how their day was. You don't need to spend money on this. When you love that person, it comes naturally that the smallest and the most littlest ( ok most and littlest cant go together but it's only right that I do so ha ha ) things to make the other person happy. If you're reading this boo, I am thankful that you put it so much effort to make me happy.

For me, I can honestly say that I appreciate letters and home made cards a lot. I'm not going to be superficial and tell you that gifts bought by money isn't sentimental or what not because if it's from my man? It's my fav. But letters and cards and gifts that are handmade can never top anything else. It's a sign of effort and love that no one can describe. The fact that he took time off from his busy schedule to write me a letter or make me a card or whatever already makes me happy and what more can I ask for? I'm not saying that gifts from stores don't make me happy. Let's be real, we all do. Guys AND girls. We all like to be spoiled with materials and it's normal. But it is more thoughtful to have a written letter filled with all the words he could describe his love for me. Yes I really really love that. Once my man told me I got a lollipop for you and I was so so happy that I kept it for weeks not wanting to eat it just because it was all the thoughts that I wanted to keep. For all the time he took off just to text me that he misses me and thinks about me, I appreciate his effort. I'm not just saying it, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I'm not a perfect girlfriend and neither is he a perfect boyfriend but I like how imperfect we are. Our fights are what makes us real and mistakes are always never ending but love is everlasting. It's only up to us if we want to make it or break it. But it's only fair if both parties don't stop trying to do their part in the relationship to prove their love and just to show the other person how much they love them. It doesn't always have to be things. Just spending time and holding hands or doing nothing can be special too. Learning about the other person makes things easier and let me just tell you, there will never be a day where you'll learn about your partner a 100% because a person is differently the same each day. It makes more sense in my head but never mind. This is love to me. Patience, tolerance, effort, listening and compromising. Obviously there are never ending elements that 'explains' love but these are the kind of love between two people. Every one and every couple is different. These are just how I look at things. I make mistakes too. Tons in fact but if my partner truly loves me, he will be patient to tell me all the things I did wrong and pick me up when I'm down. That is what I would do for my man. I will always and forever always be there for him.

(P.s I'm no expert in love of whatever. This is all what I think of love, ok? ok.)

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and  love.

But the greatest of these is love.”  

― Anonymous, Holy Bible: King James Version

Cheerio. 

Unpleasant

Time to find myself again.

I think it's time to sit back and type out my feelings again. I apologize for abandoning my blog but somehow my apologies are no use as I'm just too busy to blog. Who reads my crap anyways? I dunno. 

A-Levels is pretty stressful. I have not seen sights of hair fall or whatever but the stress I get emotionally is becoming more and more serious. Maybe it's the fact that I always had the fear of failing academically and being a good-for-nothing in other things I do and it doesn't make sense to feel that way. Maybe it's the 'overshadowing' by my siblings but I always found that I'd never be quite as good as them in everything I do. Of course, I never talked to anyone about this (until I met my man) and every time something bothered me, I tried to push it away. When people asked me to do things that is out of my comfort-zone, I'd have anxiety. When I sit for my finals every year, I'd have anxiety and that would lead to me having stomach aches and it's becoming more and more heavy upon me as I grew older. That feeling of fear that I might do badly in what I'm about to do made me break down recently and everything was just so dull and down for me. It felt as if I was being sucked in this black hole that constantly threw that 'Not Good Enough' tittle at me and it made me feel so down. I only wanted to cry as it was the only way I knew for me to handle. It really is not easy. No one really understands.

I'm sure the term 'Depression' is over-rated in my generation and people assumed that they're depressed just because they're upset. No, being depressed and upset is two completely different things. When you're depressed, it feels as if everything that happened is because of me. Sometimes, you don't even know why you're feeling like that.. You just do. People asked me why? Why are you depressed? Everything is great, so why? The answer is; sometimes, you just do. You just feel like everything is wrong. You just feel like you hit rock bottom. Including all the things that are not related in the slightest bit. You loath yourself to the max and everything is just dull and grey. You want to hurt yourself. All you feel is this pain that hurts so bad that you can't tell if it's a physical problem or it's the pain you feel emotionally. Sometimes, you can't sleep. You lie in bed thinking of all the bad things you thought you did and tears just starts to pour and when you're too tired, you'd finally fall asleep on your drenched pillow. I'm not even exaggerating of how bad it can be. Maybe even worst. You just feel so useless and worthless. Depression is serious and it's really unpleasant to go through. 

How do I pick my feet up again when I need help? I need a leaning shoulder. A pillar to support myself. Does anyone even understand how it feels? I'm sure everyone's pain in depression are different and we can never compare because we are all on our verge of insanity. Might be mild or might even be severe, but all I know is that everyone who goes through this need one person. Themselves. I need my man. But he as right, I need to find myself again because this is not me. This isn't who I am. I'm not like that. I may need him a lot but I need to find myself again because right now, I'm lost in my grey world. That black hole that sucked me in? Yeah, I'm lost in it. So by pulling myself out of this shitty mess, I wanna make myself happy first. 

What do I like to do? Or what makes me happy? Simple. My man, he makes me happy. Looking at pictures make me happy. Eating. No, not one of those girls who goes gaga over every new cafe there is around the corner. I just like food. Not that I consider myself a 'foodie' because I don't really post food pictures on my Instagram. So uncool T.T . My lame romance novels makes me happy too. Being alone at times make me happy. I like painting, something I have not touched in a long time. Writing in my brown journal about nonsense makes me happy which reminds me, I must finish my journal! I've had that book for a year-almost two and I still have not finished a journal. I made myself happy. I laughed at every little thing that isn't even funny sometimes and I used to be so cheerful. I had down days too but not to this point. This strange pain is just so unfamiliar to me and I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy. I also missed blogging. Again, who reads this shit? It's so full of crap and it's not systematic and I don't even know half the crap I blogged but it just makes me happy. It makes me feel as if I'm fearless. I miss taking pictures and I miss doing what I like doing. I should not care about every little thing everyone has to say about me. It will hit me. It will hurt me. It did. But I was stronger when I was younger so, what's stopping me? Why am I being so dependent and attached to being like this? I dunno. Again. It just happens. 

I'm giving myself time to pick myself up but I know that I'm better than who I was few hours ago. I might feel crappy every now and then but I'll need my support to help me on my feet again. He's a superb boyfriend and I just wanna thank him for all that he has done for me (You know who you are). I wanna thank my friends for being there for me even when I know they don't read my blog, I just wanna say thank you. And my mother. You might not understand me completely but you are being patient with me. Thanks ma. Don't read my blog ever pls. And my little sister. You're too young to be here pls. 

Just kidding. Thank you for letting me be this annoying to you.

I sound like an emotional wreck but there are things that no one will ever understand - how you feel. They might understand 'pain' and being 'hurt' but other than that, they don't know and they wouldn't know. 

All I know is that it is unpleasant.

“Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all.” 

Cheerios.