Unpleasant

Time to find myself again.

I think it's time to sit back and type out my feelings again. I apologize for abandoning my blog but somehow my apologies are no use as I'm just too busy to blog. Who reads my crap anyways? I dunno. 

A-Levels is pretty stressful. I have not seen sights of hair fall or whatever but the stress I get emotionally is becoming more and more serious. Maybe it's the fact that I always had the fear of failing academically and being a good-for-nothing in other things I do and it doesn't make sense to feel that way. Maybe it's the 'overshadowing' by my siblings but I always found that I'd never be quite as good as them in everything I do. Of course, I never talked to anyone about this (until I met my man) and every time something bothered me, I tried to push it away. When people asked me to do things that is out of my comfort-zone, I'd have anxiety. When I sit for my finals every year, I'd have anxiety and that would lead to me having stomach aches and it's becoming more and more heavy upon me as I grew older. That feeling of fear that I might do badly in what I'm about to do made me break down recently and everything was just so dull and down for me. It felt as if I was being sucked in this black hole that constantly threw that 'Not Good Enough' tittle at me and it made me feel so down. I only wanted to cry as it was the only way I knew for me to handle. It really is not easy. No one really understands.

I'm sure the term 'Depression' is over-rated in my generation and people assumed that they're depressed just because they're upset. No, being depressed and upset is two completely different things. When you're depressed, it feels as if everything that happened is because of me. Sometimes, you don't even know why you're feeling like that.. You just do. People asked me why? Why are you depressed? Everything is great, so why? The answer is; sometimes, you just do. You just feel like everything is wrong. You just feel like you hit rock bottom. Including all the things that are not related in the slightest bit. You loath yourself to the max and everything is just dull and grey. You want to hurt yourself. All you feel is this pain that hurts so bad that you can't tell if it's a physical problem or it's the pain you feel emotionally. Sometimes, you can't sleep. You lie in bed thinking of all the bad things you thought you did and tears just starts to pour and when you're too tired, you'd finally fall asleep on your drenched pillow. I'm not even exaggerating of how bad it can be. Maybe even worst. You just feel so useless and worthless. Depression is serious and it's really unpleasant to go through. 

How do I pick my feet up again when I need help? I need a leaning shoulder. A pillar to support myself. Does anyone even understand how it feels? I'm sure everyone's pain in depression are different and we can never compare because we are all on our verge of insanity. Might be mild or might even be severe, but all I know is that everyone who goes through this need one person. Themselves. I need my man. But he as right, I need to find myself again because this is not me. This isn't who I am. I'm not like that. I may need him a lot but I need to find myself again because right now, I'm lost in my grey world. That black hole that sucked me in? Yeah, I'm lost in it. So by pulling myself out of this shitty mess, I wanna make myself happy first. 

What do I like to do? Or what makes me happy? Simple. My man, he makes me happy. Looking at pictures make me happy. Eating. No, not one of those girls who goes gaga over every new cafe there is around the corner. I just like food. Not that I consider myself a 'foodie' because I don't really post food pictures on my Instagram. So uncool T.T . My lame romance novels makes me happy too. Being alone at times make me happy. I like painting, something I have not touched in a long time. Writing in my brown journal about nonsense makes me happy which reminds me, I must finish my journal! I've had that book for a year-almost two and I still have not finished a journal. I made myself happy. I laughed at every little thing that isn't even funny sometimes and I used to be so cheerful. I had down days too but not to this point. This strange pain is just so unfamiliar to me and I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy. I also missed blogging. Again, who reads this shit? It's so full of crap and it's not systematic and I don't even know half the crap I blogged but it just makes me happy. It makes me feel as if I'm fearless. I miss taking pictures and I miss doing what I like doing. I should not care about every little thing everyone has to say about me. It will hit me. It will hurt me. It did. But I was stronger when I was younger so, what's stopping me? Why am I being so dependent and attached to being like this? I dunno. Again. It just happens. 

I'm giving myself time to pick myself up but I know that I'm better than who I was few hours ago. I might feel crappy every now and then but I'll need my support to help me on my feet again. He's a superb boyfriend and I just wanna thank him for all that he has done for me (You know who you are). I wanna thank my friends for being there for me even when I know they don't read my blog, I just wanna say thank you. And my mother. You might not understand me completely but you are being patient with me. Thanks ma. Don't read my blog ever pls. And my little sister. You're too young to be here pls. 

Just kidding. Thank you for letting me be this annoying to you.

I sound like an emotional wreck but there are things that no one will ever understand - how you feel. They might understand 'pain' and being 'hurt' but other than that, they don't know and they wouldn't know. 

All I know is that it is unpleasant.

“Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all.” 

Cheerios.