I guess by now you should know how I really feel about you.
I blocked every possible guy out before I met you because I told myself that I never wanted to get hurt anymore. I never felt a special connection with many people but I did with you..
I guess I made a mistake too, by not knowing you well enough before I let you in deeper and that is my fault. You were the sweetest guy I've ever met. They way you cared for me when I had bad headaches and special deliveries of Starbucks and cakes. Nights when you didn't put me to sleep on calls, you would send me the sweetest 'Hey, I know you're asleep..' texts.
I thought you were the greatest guy alive. You showed me what it takes to be a better person. I didn't learn all that just for you but to be a better person myself.
You told me not to wear skirts because you were afraid of me slipping and showing accidentally. You told me not to go the gym or talk to guys because it wasn't your definition of loyalty. But what is yours?
You did the same and even worst. All the things you told me, promised me, convinced me? They were never true. It was a mask. A mask to shield who you truly are inside just to get what every other man wants. And that's not the worst, as the worst was me believing that you could be someone different. I choose to believe that it was both of your faults.
You blamed the whole thing on me. You blamed me for making people believe that it's always the guys' fault in breakups. You blamed me for our breakup because you said that I was inconsiderate, childish, immature and selfish. You said that all I looked at was money. You blamed me for walking out from your life if I did but fact is, I stayed. Throughout your worst I stayed.
You never told me things that troubled you. You kept secrets away from me and I ask myself why? If I was special enough to hold a place in your heart, why are you caging me back? What do you have to lose? Sometimes, looking at you I feel like I don't know you at all.
You asked me for 'breaks' when we fought and I never got it. Breaks don't work. They never do. You either fix the problem now or let the problem break us. But I understand why you wanted them so desperately now. Your breaks are to mess around while you have me on a thread. Like a yoyo, to pull me up when you feel like it and push me away when you're tired of me.
You told me you would never cheat. That I was special enough for you to never do anything like that to hurt me but you were wrong. I'm not special enough. And you never loved me. Because if you did, you would have never hurt me with words that are as painful as an open wound when we fight. If you loved me, you would have never taken counts when you do things for me. If you loved me willingness surpasses ability because if there is a will, there is a way but you never even had the will in you. If you loved me, you would have never cheated. What you told me that you never want me doing that could 'jeopardize' our relationship, I never did. Instead, you did them all. You looked for the aid of your girl best friend when we had problems. Our problems, and you told me that I shouldn't go to anyone else with our problems, especially not guys.
You lied to me. Looking back, I can't tell myself that what we had was real anymore. Because I believe that it was never true and you're the reason for why I'm the way I am now; messed up, lost and insecure. I threw away everything you gave me. All the letters, the dream catcher and every little knick-knack. You used to say that I kept my ex's gifts because I still think of him but that's not it. I value the things I receive. You made me throw it all away and I did to prove to you how loyal I am towards you. But I can't keep anything you have given me.. because it doesn't hold any value to me. Not anymore.
I gave you back your gifts because I'm not someone who is money minded. No matter how much I like that wallet and the necklace, they don't mean anything to me when your perspective of me is so low. I choose not to have it. I choose not to hold on to it anymore. Not because I don't value them, but they are valueless already.
The pain you gave me made me build a wall where the next person who would take a challenge to break down, is going to have a tougher time doing so. Because trust can never be the same towards me anymore. I can't look at things differently and tell myself that the next person is going to be different unless that person can prove me wrong.
You can burn the letters I gave you, the jar of notes, the pillow I made you, the PS4 camera, Throw away everything that comes with a memory of me but they do not matter anymore. You taught me something very valuable, which is not to trust someone completely anymore. That no matter how convincing someone is at the beginning, if there isn't a consistency of effort throughout the relationship, I know how things are going to end. People don't change, people just stop pretending to be someone they're not and the real person in them shows.
You never changed, you just stopped being the person who you aren't. I gave my all in our relationship and I guess it's time for me to find someone who's willing to give me his all, too.
I deserve as much happiness as I give. I deserve someone who would accept me for better or for worst. I deserve someone who knows me well and still loves me even when I throw hardcore tantrums when I feel shitty. Someone who would pick me up when I'm helpless and down in the dirt to deserve me when I'm happy and on top of the world.
This will be my last letter to you.
Signing off,
your ex.
Our life is what our thoughts make it. - Marcus Aurulius
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