Enroute

The biggest lesson I've learned so far being 21 is to not be afraid. To be brave to embark on a journey I've always wanted to start but had never grew the guts to - the journey to find happiness. I could safely say that I have found it and I will never stop chasing it. From the early days of this depressing blog, I am that girl no more.

Not to be confused, I still have rainy days. Days when I feel like bawling my eyes Sahara desert dry and shut everyone out but that's only normal. I am not afraid of bad days for it is not a bad life. I am content. I am content with life even when it's not perfect or the way I've always hoped. Realistically, no one's life is perfect and that makes life, well, perfect. I love how flawed it is. The stresses, angers, disappointment that comes in the string in between of happiness, love and joy. I enjoy the process of falling down as it makes being happy (when I am) a prettier picture. The blacks in the painting compliments the neons after all.

Being 21, I am brave to love again. I deserve the happiness someone who would give whole-heartedly. A commitment that involves growing together. All the memories we shall make and all the fights we could afford and grace through with faith. A love that burns slow and consistent and not just a firework display over New Years Eve. A person to make choices with. Love is not just a feeling, it is a choice. It is a never ending learning journey but I think I'm ready to start walking this path again. However, without it I am okay as I will not seek to find it. It will make its way to me when the time is right. Love is something that will bloom itself.

I also learned to enjoy the little moments. Moments you'd look back realizing that it was small but mighty. To enjoy the company, the talks, the laughter and the tears. I am not afraid to take risks anymore. Life's too short to sit around being petrified to take chances or YOLO and live. I've learned to enjoy life as it is in the moment. Enjoy studying even if you're not the best at it. Enjoy waking up at 8am for classes and enjoy the days you can sleep in. I guess you can say that I am afraid that I'd miss out on the little moments like this in the future when I start working and regret how I did not appreciate all the little things. It helps. It feeds your soul to fuel you to being a little more happy in life.

Be hungry to learn. Be passionate and faithful. Be humble and curious. You lose in life the moment you think you know everything. Don't let your ego surpass your hunger to learn. Look at what life has to offer and always be willing to accept to your best interest. Have an open heart and an open mind. I feel like there are no other ways to learn better from people. No two people would do anything the same way. Listen to their stories and listen to listen, not to reply.

Be thankful. Be thankful for the people who loves you whole-heartedly and be thankful for those who's hurt you. For the people who has shown ample support to me in whatever I do, decisions I make I thank you for choosing to love me the way I am. I am not easy to love but the people in my life never fails to prove their love to me and words will never be enough to express my gratitude. For the people who has ever hurt me, I thank you for molding me into person I am today. The experience you gave me turned into lessons that I will never forget.

Lastly, I would like to apologize to those whom I've hurt and scarred. I'm no saint, I know. There are times when I became and will become unbearable or selfish or stirred up an utter mess for you to handle. I am sorry to have hurt you, to have caused you pain. I am not perfect but I do hope you've learned and grew from it too. I am sorry. Truly am.

At 21, I am not bitter anymore.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” —Maya Angelou

You are enough.

Dearest B,

Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Do not ever for a second question your self worth and emotions. I know you feel like you're drowning with the heavy anchor and I want to be there to free you from it. Emotions will get to the best of us and that's okay. It's okay to fall and have your heart pound and dance around like the amber flames of a fireplace.

I've known you for a fairly long time and this is the first time you told me you feel this way. The feeling of deep connection and slow burning feelings towards someone. You are happy with 'em and I could see that. We (the girls and I) all could. So here I am to tell you- you are enough. You are more than enough for him. And it doesn't matter if he meets anyone else, better or not, that person will never be you. I can't say that he would turn back but I can tell you that even if he doesn't, you will meet someone who's more deserving. And that someone will be the one who fits with you like the last piece of the puzzle. There's someone for everyone and I know you will meet that person and when you do, you're going to thank the stars that things had never worked out with anyone else before.

You do not have to paint a smile across that face. Allow yourself to be upset, angry and disappointed. You have all the rights to not be okay. Give yourself time and space to breathe and find yourself and you will come back better and stronger. No storm will last forever but when it is here, embrace it. Sit inside, drink tea, read a book. And when it's all over, come back out. The flowers will bloom again and we can bask in the sun.

Having to deal with emotions are never easy and no one else can help you to deal with them. You can't help anyone get over anything that they've formed an emotional bridge over. There are no words that could comfort a person at times. It is a solitary process. A personal experience, a learning curve. But through it all, we will be there to support you. Support your emotions and you choices. Just because you're going through it alone it doesn't mean that you'd be lonely.

Lastly, never be afraid to be happy. To be happy on your own. Everyone wants to be happy with someone so badly to a point they forget to learn to be happy with themselves first. Yes, being in a relationship could be magical. You experience love in a special way. You go out and see couples living in their own little bubble stealing kisses whilst going up the escalator and you envy that. We all do. But we don't see their hardships. We don't see any downpours that they go through. And it could be the same for couples. They could be jealous of the single lives a vast of us are living and it's normal. We always want what we can't have. My point is, live life the fullest single. Love yourself. It is okay to not have someone there to enjoy the little things yet. Because the best kinda love happens unexpectedly (much cliche but it's true) and when you're contented with yourself, that's when you can love better. You do not need someone else to feel alive.

Love yourself, because we love you.

Love, J