Enroute

The biggest lesson I've learned so far being 21 is to not be afraid. To be brave to embark on a journey I've always wanted to start but had never grew the guts to - the journey to find happiness. I could safely say that I have found it and I will never stop chasing it. From the early days of this depressing blog, I am that girl no more.

Not to be confused, I still have rainy days. Days when I feel like bawling my eyes Sahara desert dry and shut everyone out but that's only normal. I am not afraid of bad days for it is not a bad life. I am content. I am content with life even when it's not perfect or the way I've always hoped. Realistically, no one's life is perfect and that makes life, well, perfect. I love how flawed it is. The stresses, angers, disappointment that comes in the string in between of happiness, love and joy. I enjoy the process of falling down as it makes being happy (when I am) a prettier picture. The blacks in the painting compliments the neons after all.

Being 21, I am brave to love again. I deserve the happiness someone who would give whole-heartedly. A commitment that involves growing together. All the memories we shall make and all the fights we could afford and grace through with faith. A love that burns slow and consistent and not just a firework display over New Years Eve. A person to make choices with. Love is not just a feeling, it is a choice. It is a never ending learning journey but I think I'm ready to start walking this path again. However, without it I am okay as I will not seek to find it. It will make its way to me when the time is right. Love is something that will bloom itself.

I also learned to enjoy the little moments. Moments you'd look back realizing that it was small but mighty. To enjoy the company, the talks, the laughter and the tears. I am not afraid to take risks anymore. Life's too short to sit around being petrified to take chances or YOLO and live. I've learned to enjoy life as it is in the moment. Enjoy studying even if you're not the best at it. Enjoy waking up at 8am for classes and enjoy the days you can sleep in. I guess you can say that I am afraid that I'd miss out on the little moments like this in the future when I start working and regret how I did not appreciate all the little things. It helps. It feeds your soul to fuel you to being a little more happy in life.

Be hungry to learn. Be passionate and faithful. Be humble and curious. You lose in life the moment you think you know everything. Don't let your ego surpass your hunger to learn. Look at what life has to offer and always be willing to accept to your best interest. Have an open heart and an open mind. I feel like there are no other ways to learn better from people. No two people would do anything the same way. Listen to their stories and listen to listen, not to reply.

Be thankful. Be thankful for the people who loves you whole-heartedly and be thankful for those who's hurt you. For the people who has shown ample support to me in whatever I do, decisions I make I thank you for choosing to love me the way I am. I am not easy to love but the people in my life never fails to prove their love to me and words will never be enough to express my gratitude. For the people who has ever hurt me, I thank you for molding me into person I am today. The experience you gave me turned into lessons that I will never forget.

Lastly, I would like to apologize to those whom I've hurt and scarred. I'm no saint, I know. There are times when I became and will become unbearable or selfish or stirred up an utter mess for you to handle. I am sorry to have hurt you, to have caused you pain. I am not perfect but I do hope you've learned and grew from it too. I am sorry. Truly am.

At 21, I am not bitter anymore.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” —Maya Angelou

You are enough.

Dearest B,

Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Do not ever for a second question your self worth and emotions. I know you feel like you're drowning with the heavy anchor and I want to be there to free you from it. Emotions will get to the best of us and that's okay. It's okay to fall and have your heart pound and dance around like the amber flames of a fireplace.

I've known you for a fairly long time and this is the first time you told me you feel this way. The feeling of deep connection and slow burning feelings towards someone. You are happy with 'em and I could see that. We (the girls and I) all could. So here I am to tell you- you are enough. You are more than enough for him. And it doesn't matter if he meets anyone else, better or not, that person will never be you. I can't say that he would turn back but I can tell you that even if he doesn't, you will meet someone who's more deserving. And that someone will be the one who fits with you like the last piece of the puzzle. There's someone for everyone and I know you will meet that person and when you do, you're going to thank the stars that things had never worked out with anyone else before.

You do not have to paint a smile across that face. Allow yourself to be upset, angry and disappointed. You have all the rights to not be okay. Give yourself time and space to breathe and find yourself and you will come back better and stronger. No storm will last forever but when it is here, embrace it. Sit inside, drink tea, read a book. And when it's all over, come back out. The flowers will bloom again and we can bask in the sun.

Having to deal with emotions are never easy and no one else can help you to deal with them. You can't help anyone get over anything that they've formed an emotional bridge over. There are no words that could comfort a person at times. It is a solitary process. A personal experience, a learning curve. But through it all, we will be there to support you. Support your emotions and you choices. Just because you're going through it alone it doesn't mean that you'd be lonely.

Lastly, never be afraid to be happy. To be happy on your own. Everyone wants to be happy with someone so badly to a point they forget to learn to be happy with themselves first. Yes, being in a relationship could be magical. You experience love in a special way. You go out and see couples living in their own little bubble stealing kisses whilst going up the escalator and you envy that. We all do. But we don't see their hardships. We don't see any downpours that they go through. And it could be the same for couples. They could be jealous of the single lives a vast of us are living and it's normal. We always want what we can't have. My point is, live life the fullest single. Love yourself. It is okay to not have someone there to enjoy the little things yet. Because the best kinda love happens unexpectedly (much cliche but it's true) and when you're contented with yourself, that's when you can love better. You do not need someone else to feel alive.

Love yourself, because we love you.

Love, J

Where is she?

The girl who once had so much faith in the world.

Where is she now?

The girl who once had sparkles in her eyes and who never gave up her hopes and dreams. The girl who believed that the best is yet to come, where is she now? The girl who had undesirable love for kids and who would do absolutely everything to help them, where? The girl who knew what she was doing and where she was going, where is she now? The girl who never gave up on all the little things that mattered. 

Perhaps she lost her way whilst getting to the destination. 

It's okay, she'll find her way soon. 

Simple things.

A piece of candy with a sweet note attached. Flowers. A sudden call. 

Holding the door. Walking closer to the road on the pavement just we could be safe. Pulling out the seat.

Handwritten letters. Personalized gifts. Compliments.

Genuine compliments.

Surprising us with food. Surprising us for no reason. Not being too calculative with money.

Remembering when the time of the month is. Sweet texts. Long texts with emojis.

Short sweet texts. Whatever will do.

Walking us to our car. Carrying groceries - light or heavy. Holding hands when you're both reading.

Being attentive to our behaviors. Little cute notes. Sticky notes. 

Reminders of when to pass up your assignment. Wiping sauce off your face. Hugs.

Forehead kisses. Kisses in general. Naps together. 

Respecting our boundaries. Knowing your favourite ice cream. And tea.

And food.

Yes, I said food again.

Comforting us when we're down. Patience. Love.

The way we catch you looking at us in nothing but pure amusement in your eyes. Making an effort to plan a date. Asking about your day.

Listening about our day. Listening to our stories. Listening to our dreams.

Reading together. Cuddle sessions. Slow dancing to the sweetest and cheesiest music.

Cute pictures. Instagram posts. Handmade cards.

Remembering what brand of face moisturizers we use. Spending time even if it's just 10 minutes. Asking questions.

Making sure you're safe. All the time. All the damn time.

Long drives. Deep talks. Short drives.

Jamming in the car to the playlist made for you and I.

The sweet tone you talk to us with. The little gestures of affection. Endless support on every decisions we make.

Discovering new things together. Trolley races at the car park. Home made meals.
Laughing together.

Little things matter.

Little things matter to show you care. Little things to let us know how much you want to be the best for us. Little, selfless things to show nothing but pure love. To ensure that we're alright and safe in your arms because with you here, we can be absolutely fearless.

Yes, little things matter.

Do people change or do they reveal who they really are in time?

Are people capable of keeping the love they once did everything in their will to attain?

Is it love that we're afraid of or is it the person that we fell in love with that we're afraid of? Afraid of losing them, afraid of them gradually turning into a stranger. The person we once fell in love with disappeared into someone we barely even know now?

So how do I over come it? How do I learn to open my scarred heart again? How do I learn to be brave again and not take every flaw that happens as a red flag? How do I start believing again?

How do I start? Where do I start?

Tonight.

Tonight's just one of those nights where my thoughts begin to do gymnastics and endless cardio.

Maybe it's the pms but tonight's just one of those nights where I wanna bawl my eyes out over the most petty reasons. Tonight's also one of those nights where I wished I had someone to go to and just cry without feeling stupid but instead, feel like I'm well protected. Someone who would tell me it's okay. Someone who would just hold me and whisper "it'll all good. Why don't we go get cheese tart tomorrow?" Someone who would wipe away the tears that streamed down my cheeks and tell me how cute my ugly crying face is. Someone who would go through it all with me no matter how tough I am to handle.

Tonight's one of those nights where I fill my cup with doubts and worries. Thoughts that won't make sense the moment I open my eyes tomorrow morning. How stupid I'd feel thinking back about this very moment typing this. 

Tonight's one of those nights where I need comfort. To be encouraged with patience and love. To be showered in care. To know that I'm silly for overthinking. 

Tonight's one of those nights where I want to drown myself in deep sleep. Sleep so good you never want to get up. Sorry, I'm not suicidal okay? 

Tonight's one of those nights where I want to believe in myself. Tell myself I'm not the loser I feel I am. I am a strong person who has her own path. Tell myself that I may not be good in what my siblings are good at and still be as amazing. Tell myself it's okay to be different. I should not expect myself to be someone just to please anyone else but accept me for myself. Just the way I am. I should look at all the things I am and not my flaws. 

Tonight's one of those nights I just want to be okay.

Updates

Life update time!

It has been months now. I no longer have an aching heart looking at your pictures. I no longer feel the sinking feeling when I think of you or your name. I am happy. Moved on and happy with how things are now. You're now just another blog post from the past. I don't regret, don't worry, but I am happier now. I'm learning how to be more independent with my feelings. Learning how to do things and make choices without worrying if what I do would upset you. I wish the same for you.

__________________________________________________________________

I have not updated my blog for three months so how is everyone? I feel like I owe my blog more entries but I can't afford to find the time and energy to move my fat fingers after a long day at Uni so I'm sorry *insertscryingemoji* ! 

In July, I went on a trip to Langkawi. It was amazing to be able to bond with the people who are around you everyday but don't really know that well. We drank, had car-dance parties, had tons of good food, had some bad hangover, shed some tears, drank some more, etc. We're not alcoholics.

Don't worry, I only drank wine. Like lots of wine.

There were no hard liquor or beer involved for me.

Jokes, maybe just a little bit of cider and Smirnoff.

I felt like the trip was much needed as we were all going through some stuff. We got to know more about each other and learned how to be better friends so thank you guys :')

Me feeding Mr.Ray :3

I got a job in mid-July too! It was exciting, Something new and fun to add to my boring holidays. I needed more pocket money as we all know how the equation goes for every uni student on break:

Holiday + Freetime + Friends = -0.00 in the bank

I got a job

Yet, I was still broke.

How?? IDK.

Is there a time when I won't be broke? 

Probably not.

I got a job as a tele-surveyor. Yes, I was one of those pesky people who calls you up like a conman trying to cheat your money to do surveys.The job was simple and repetitive which makes it boring after some time. The working hours are odd but we get paid a decent amount per hour. I got to make some new friends too. People I hope to still be able to go out with every now and then just to catch up on how things are going. 

Also, I learned how to speak mandarin a little better. Monz gave me tests every now and then, pointing out to things at our cubicle and I'd do my very best to answer her in my retarded mandarin. If you heard our conversations you'd probably laugh till you get a seizure.

Monz: *pointstokeyboard* What is this?

Me: 'shuo shi ban' (LITERAL TRANSLATION FROM CANTONESE) 

Monz: LOLOLOL NO.

Plus, I was also forced to speak mandarin with Chinese respondents- if i'm unlucky to get a Chinese Respondent-, just to make sure they understand that I'd get someone who can speak mandarin to get back to them in few minutes time. Usually it'll go like this:

Me: Good evening, my name is Jane and I'm calling from ***** a market research agency... (bla bla bla reading out the intro from the monitor)

Respondent: Ah? WO BU MING BAI AH

Me: Oh uh oh, deng yi xia (plis hold on) *shovesphonetomonz*

Sorry that I'm an embarrassment.

 I do miss being there sometimes. Most of the time I don't but it was all for the experience. 

The experience of getting rejected all the time because people are afraid that I'd con them for real :(

August rolled by, our long awaited family trip is finally here! We literally waited a whole year for it. Mum decided to breathe some ang-moh air this year so we all went to Perth for 7 days. 

We took a night flight there and thank the stars that I'm the kinda person who can sleep at literally anywhere. I fell asleep to a point I nearly fell off my seat so much apologies to the girl who sat beside me for 5 hours :3

It was my first time being in Australia and it was really cool to experience being in a new culture. The people were friendly as hell and the food there was so good. The burger patties are fresh and marinated to perfection. Another thing I'm super impressed with was public toilets! Their toilets everywhere is clean and well maintained and best thing is they provide toilet paper. Like rolls and rolls of toilet paper!

Aside from that, the weather was perfect for me to wear make up. I can't put on a full face of make up without feeling icky and gross here at the end of the day but over there I can wear make up without feeling like my skin would be invaded with pimples at the end of the day. Also, the weather was perfect for us to wear cute coats and scarfs. 

I swear you can also see cute guys every corner you turn. The immigration officer, zookeepers, Target workers omg you name it. Those guys in suits are especially good looking I swear. 

This is exactly how my sister and I everytime a cutie passes by.

Everything about koala land is good except their nightlife? 8pm and it's a complete ghost town already. No one walks on the streets, all the shops closes at 5pm like do you guys not go out yumcha or chill out? 

 Indian Ocean.

I do have a complaint though, how is it that there's only one bathroom and one toilet in an apartment? A family of 5 had to fight every morning and night to use the toilet. I mean it's only temporary but how do the people there survive with only one toilet and bathroom? 

I came back and classes started early September. I'm honestly quite happy that my life is now a routine again. The holidays were great and I enjoyed it but having nothing to do everyday was just too much for me. It's now October which means we're 2 months away from ending 2016. I have no idea where the time went by and it's pretty scary to think that we're all getting older and older each day. FML, I don't want to age :( I don't want wrinkles, or responsibilities to come crumbling down on me so soon. I'm just going to enjoy the moment now as much as I can. Flood myself with reading articles and friends who offers good vibes.

To everyone who's reading this, 

Happy last 2 months of 2016! 

That's okay.

People who reads my blog from back in the days would know that my blog is nothing but love posts, emo-love posts and pictures of my trips and small updates on my life once in awhile. People might also have a perception of me that I have nothing better in life but blogging about my love life bla bla bla  and that I only hunger for love but that's not true. I have so many other things I love to do but when it comes to blogging, I feel like blogging about my feelings on this very subjective matter on 'love' makes my blog me. More Jane I guess? I do have many perspective in life other than love. Me sharing other things like oh what I use on my face is cool but my blog has always been a place for me to share my personal thoughts on what I went through in my relationships and don't question me why because I don't really know either. Just feels right for me? If you have an opinion about it, I'm sorry but that's none of my business. I couldn't care less about how people would look at me based on my own personal judgement.

The reason why I constantly blog about 'love' is because

My perspective changes from time to time about it. Every relationship I get into teaches me something new. So here's my take on love in June 2016. I learn more about myself and more about what I want and what is suitable for me. I grow from each lesson learnt and the best thing I learnt so far was that just because things didn't work out, the other person is not always the bad person. You meet people, people find you and things escalate from there. Eventually, things go south not because of neither's fault but simply because you guys just weren't right for each other. And that's okay. It's the same with buying a box of puzzle, trying to put them piece by piece to create the perfect picture. If you don't take two different pieces and try to fix them together, you would never know if they were supposed to go together.

 And that's okay.

I acknowledge the fact that in order for it to go south, two have to have their own faults. But then again, no relationship is perfect. It's only perfect when two people make mistakes and learn from each other of what they love and hate about the other person. It's only perfect when two people fight but could laugh and learn from that. It's only perfect when your heart still races to see each other even after a year of being together. Perfect when the other person take into consideration of what you said even if it's just about Ikea silverware. Even if it's about feeling like having a stick of lollipop. Perfect is when both make effort to keep the relationship alive. But these are just all my thoughts on love. My way of giving and receiving love.

 And that's okay.

Not everyone has the same way of giving and receiving love. You just gotta find someone who would give you the love which fits your way of receiving and your way of receiving love is the way they give you. That person will come once you know the way you give and receive.

I'm still young, I have ample of time till that person comes. Until then, I wanna be as happy as I could be. I want to meet new people and make friends. Travel. Be around people who loves me for who I am. I don't wanna push it. As Phil Collins said in a song, 'you can't hurry love, you just gotta wait. She said love don't come easy when it's a game of give and take,'. But when the time comes again, I will give my all into my relationship. The way I always do when I get into one because I believe that if I say 'yes' to that person, I have promised to give my very best effort and love to that person. The only way I will let go is when I believe that I can no longer provide you happiness not because I don't want to, but simply because I can't anymore. I don't fit that puzzle and I want you to find that person who fits perfectly with you character and all the little things. Someone who would give you the love you want to receive.

 And that's okay.

Just because I don't belong with you, it doesn't mean I hate you. I want you to be happy from the very bottom of my heart. If we ever bump into each other when we are in our 30s after work at a supermarket while picking up some groceries, I would smile at you and you would smile back. Maybe exchange a few words and wishes and you would go home to your lovely family and I will go home to mine. But all is well. We will be happy where we are. We will be happy why it never turned out the way we thought it would.

 And that's okay.


I just really want you to be okay and happy. I want you to be doing well in life. I don't want to hate or be mad that things didn't work out. Maybe when the time is right, it would be you again. But even if it doesn't, I hope I gave you something to look back and smile from time to time. I hope I made you happy once. I'm sorry we couldn't last, but I hope you find someone who would make you feel like you're on top of the world and it's worth every ounce of you to make ways to keep her. If that was the best you gave me,

 That's okay.

Thank you for everything.

Again.

I guess things happen for a reason. If I was going through what I'm going through two years ago, I wouldn't have handled things as well as I do now. It's funny how you put your vulnerable heart out there again thinking that things are finally turning out how I have always hoped for and suddenly go south so hard. Crazier than a freaking roller coaster ride no?

But I guess I have learned to accept things the way it turned out. Sure, it didn't turn out the way I hoped for and things aren't going the way we once planned but if you know you did your best then it's okay. I know I did my best. And it hurts. No lie, but acceptance is the only thing right now that would keep me going on?

Some things can be so temporary. From having a conversation about everything beneath the stars to having empty Skype calls. I don't blame either of us. Things just happens. Like I said, best thing to do is just to accept things the way it is. What I blogged about months ago was true. I said things according to my heart and I'm not ashamed or beaten by it. I just can't control it anymore.

I hate how my blog is full of soppy emo crap but I can't help it. It's so contradicting reading things like one moment I'm happy. I found something so amazing and I share it with everyone and the next thing I know, things just come crashing down. But I guess this is life right? There is no GPS to navigate you to turn at the right junction. You just gotta drive around and make turns and discover dead-ends and eventually find your way out from there to hope you find the way to where you want to be. But without wrong turns, how would we ever know?

Everyone has a destination but what's more important is learning throughout the journey and I really hope to find happiness and be happy. For now, I just want to be happy everything before me.

I should seriously fill my blog up with happier contents *insertslaughingemojiwithtears*.

XX

"Maybe we're just two from different worlds, but if we're meant to be.. we will be."

Bye 2k15

2015 was a year where I achieved many great things. I passed my Pre-U exams and made it to degree (I made it sound impossible but I'm just really proud). I also met (or should I say re-met) the guy of my dreams and blossomed a beautiful relationship with him. I also went on a great trip with my friends and family. Celebrated my last teen with all the meaningful people in my life, went on multiple exciting adventures. Also, I just passed my driving test which was one of the main agendas I had to check of my list of 2k15. I also accomplished something I've always wanted to learn which was how to ride a freaking bicycle for 19 and a half years! I experienced working outside besides only helping my mom out at the shop,too! Overall, I had a pretty good year. Although, 2015 did start off pretty rocky but I have to say I had a hell of a good year this year. It wasn't a perfect year but I have to say 2015 was truly a great year as it came with heaps of life lessons and new purposes.

2015 also taught me how to be more positive in a way. I do have moments when I feel down and horrible for no reason also because life doesn't guarantee that it won't throw a boulder at me for no reason. I'll allow myself to be upset and moody for a little and pick myself up with a little help needed, but everything will be okay eventually.

I also learned that when you're not expecting, great things will magically make its way into your life. Have a little gratitude and live everyday as it is. Treat everyday like it's your second chance and appreciate the people around you.

Also, the best kinds of people are the ones you don't have to meet everyday but won't give you an awkward pause during conversations. Thank you 2015 for showing me who my true friends are. I can safely say that I don't have many people in my life I would consider them as my good friends but I do have a handful of people who I really consider family. Thank you guys! You know who you are!

I also learned that I couldn't and shouldn't trust a lot of people in life. Not everyone who seems to care, actually cares about you. They might seem to be a friend really, they're just fake as fuck.

I learned that if you make a list of what and how you want your future boyfriend to be and have (as in quality), it will come true! Well, at least it did come true for me. I have to say, meeting him (again) was one of the biggest highlight of 2015. I can't say more great things about this magical hooman being for all the things he has done, and all the things he does for me. He accepts me a 100% for the person I am and it feels amazing to finally be with someone who loves me with his whole-heart. I can't stress how great of a person he is as an individual too. I am truly grateful for the love we share and for the relationship we vowed to nourish together. Thank you for not letting me balance the see-saw alone. To a great year of 2016 together, sweetheart :) To many many more ups and downs to come.

Thank you for everything 2015, you have honestly been a great year but it's time to close this chapter and celebrate the upcoming year! Thank you for letting me grow into the person I am today. Good-bye 2015 and hello 2016!