Promise me

"Promise me that when you fall for me, let it be forever. Even if forever is impossible, let me know that I will be loved by you everyday, every minute, every moment and I will promise you that I will love you will all my heart and soul everyday, every minute and everyday.

Promise me that you won't just put in effort during the chase but even after. Promise me that everyday will be like the first day you fall for me and I promise you the very same.

Promise me that you will love me. Love me for when I have assignments due and I am stressing out over the smallest things. Love me when I fall down, make a mistake and even when I have moments when I throw my temper at you. And I promise you that I will love you for better and for worst. 

Promise me that you will be patient. When I don't understand a situation or when I am going through something very difficult and that you do not understand, and I promise you that I will be my best for you when you are going through something that I do not or will not understand.

Promise me that you won't let go of my hand. Promise me that your hand will find its way to mine and never let go of it. I promise you that I will hold onto your hand no matter how bumpy the road is for us.

Promise me that we will always find the light out of the tunnel for every fight we go through. For every dark path we come across, you won't give up on finding a way to light it up for me and I promise that I will go through thick and thin just to find a way out if you are incapable of doing so at that moment.

Promise me you will give me your best and I promise that I will give you mine.

Promise me that you will still love me when I am wrinkly and fat at the age of 40. Promise me that you will still look at me like I am your prize possession and I promise you that your looks will never matter to me because all I ever see is you for the man that you have become.

Promise me that you will never cheat. Never betray my loyalty and most important to not betray yours. I promise that cheating is not even an option, nor a thought that will ever drift through my mind. If you are not happy with me, leave me. Promise me.

Promise me that you will treat my parents good. Love them, respect them and treat them like your own and I will love your parents like my own.

Promise me that you will be a good man. A man with a good heart. A man who is righteous and upright. A man who will treat his family right. I promise that I will be a good person because you inspire me to.

Promise me that you will never forget important dates. Anniversaries, birthdays, date nights, work due dates, remember them all. And I promise you that I will remember them even though my memory has the capacity of a goldfish.

Promise me that it will not be temporary."

tired of this

It's funny how it's 2.59am now and I can't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but I guess it's a fear for me to sleep now. Somehow recently I've been having really bad nightmares and I feel irradically afraid of waking up feeling the same exact way I feel before I fall asleep. I'm not sure what really is the cause of this. Not even sure if anyone ever understands what I'm trying to say.

Recently, my college has given us students an opportunity to set an entrepreneurship amongst ourselves and compete between groups to raise the most money to help a charity of our choice. Initially I never really planned to join but I did have the thought of it. I didn't really think much of it till one day Jess asked us all if we're interested to participate with one of her friends. I didn't know if I was going to be capable of doing things out of my own way as people might know that I'm kinda shy when it comes to speaking up or talking to people whom I don't really know. I joined anyway. I knew that I am going to be flooded with responsibilities and I cannot back out of it half-way through. We initially plan to just make our business small. Get products and sell them from our own branding but it gotten bigger and bigger. We (my team and I) had a much bigger vision for what we are capable of doing. The chose to help the refugee children from the Fugee School Malaysia and I don't know why everything just suddenly got bigger and bigger. I learned new things from every meeting and I sent emails to big companies and also called to enquire or made sure that the parties that we're associating with knows who we are. Responsibilities for each of us are getting heavier and heavier. Our plates were just overflowing. Maybe it's from the stress, which everyone of us have a fair share of, but I've been feeling so out of place and shape. My mind is tired even when my body isn't. Or vice versa. Things just aren't the best for me at this moment but I'm taking my time to appreciate all that is around me. But tonight is different. I feel the fear of being a bigger failure than I already am. There really isn't any logical explanation for why I feel this way. I don't seem to have the guts to fall asleep because I'm so afraid of my nightmares. I've never been so afraid of something in my life before. My anxiety is slowly creeping into me again and I don't know how to fight it. Can someone, or anyone save me? For so long I have been trying to keep myself busy to ignore problems like this but reality is I can never run away or hide. I need to face it and fight it. But how do I do it? How do I pick myself up again? And from where?

I told myself that I shall do it alone just because I was once told how dependent I was when I face a situation. I was told that I was immature when I cried. I was told that I was selfish when all I did was care. I guess people really underestimate what their words can do to someone because now, those words haunt me everyday. It makes me push away all sense of help I receive and that's not how it should be. I don't want help because I wanna prove to myself that I can be alright and up on my two feet by myself, even if it takes a long time for me to gain recognition. I will be alright soon. I just have to be strong. I don't wanna be anymore of a loser than I already am. I wanna be strong.


Goodnight,
xx
Jane.

It's still cloudy

"She was the girl, that came with the sunrise,"

I've recently been in a mini slump, a mini downfall. I actually don't know if it was a slump or downfall because overall I have still been feeling really crappy about how I feel. Maybe I can't even consider it as a downfall if I was never even up on me feet the entire time. It's really stupid to feel so low. It's stupid to feel like you owe something to someone or to feel so guilty about what happened to me. I'm guilty for letting someone hurt me the way he did and that's my fault.

That's not healthy.

I'm not healthy. 

I don't know how it's possible to be okay right now. Though, there really isn't anything to feel sad about at this moment, I can't seem to find the strength to know what I want and who I am completely as a person. I sound so dramatic but it's true. I don't know why it's that easy for people to get to me personally. I guess it's because I cared too much and the feeling of betrayal just tastes so bitter and heart-wrenching. Also, it could be the fact that I'm emotionally attached easily. I was? Now? I can't seem to give trust to anyone I know even if I do know in my heart that, that person is worthy of it. I can't afford to be shattered when I'm still in pieces. I can't afford to lose myself when I'm lost. 

But I understand that every end of a dark tunnel is where we finally see light, where we see things in a better way. I know that one day it will all be better. Day by day, I look for people who cares for comfort, people who would give me honesty and not be afraid of hurting my feelings because they want the best for me. I appreciate that people look past my flaws to bring out the best of me when all I see is someone who's completely useless and stupid. I'm getting better day by day, slowly but surely. I just don't want people to disappear and reappear as if I don't have feelings. If you don't want to stay in my life, then leave now and don't come back. If you choose to stay, stay with me. 

Of course, life has its way of working. And I know that even if I can't trust most people I meet and encounter, I should have faith that my life will work out the way it will eventually. As for right now, I'm thankful that I have people who loves me for better or worst. 

Thank you 

xx.

Jane.