tired of this

It's funny how it's 2.59am now and I can't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but I guess it's a fear for me to sleep now. Somehow recently I've been having really bad nightmares and I feel irradically afraid of waking up feeling the same exact way I feel before I fall asleep. I'm not sure what really is the cause of this. Not even sure if anyone ever understands what I'm trying to say.

Recently, my college has given us students an opportunity to set an entrepreneurship amongst ourselves and compete between groups to raise the most money to help a charity of our choice. Initially I never really planned to join but I did have the thought of it. I didn't really think much of it till one day Jess asked us all if we're interested to participate with one of her friends. I didn't know if I was going to be capable of doing things out of my own way as people might know that I'm kinda shy when it comes to speaking up or talking to people whom I don't really know. I joined anyway. I knew that I am going to be flooded with responsibilities and I cannot back out of it half-way through. We initially plan to just make our business small. Get products and sell them from our own branding but it gotten bigger and bigger. We (my team and I) had a much bigger vision for what we are capable of doing. The chose to help the refugee children from the Fugee School Malaysia and I don't know why everything just suddenly got bigger and bigger. I learned new things from every meeting and I sent emails to big companies and also called to enquire or made sure that the parties that we're associating with knows who we are. Responsibilities for each of us are getting heavier and heavier. Our plates were just overflowing. Maybe it's from the stress, which everyone of us have a fair share of, but I've been feeling so out of place and shape. My mind is tired even when my body isn't. Or vice versa. Things just aren't the best for me at this moment but I'm taking my time to appreciate all that is around me. But tonight is different. I feel the fear of being a bigger failure than I already am. There really isn't any logical explanation for why I feel this way. I don't seem to have the guts to fall asleep because I'm so afraid of my nightmares. I've never been so afraid of something in my life before. My anxiety is slowly creeping into me again and I don't know how to fight it. Can someone, or anyone save me? For so long I have been trying to keep myself busy to ignore problems like this but reality is I can never run away or hide. I need to face it and fight it. But how do I do it? How do I pick myself up again? And from where?

I told myself that I shall do it alone just because I was once told how dependent I was when I face a situation. I was told that I was immature when I cried. I was told that I was selfish when all I did was care. I guess people really underestimate what their words can do to someone because now, those words haunt me everyday. It makes me push away all sense of help I receive and that's not how it should be. I don't want help because I wanna prove to myself that I can be alright and up on my two feet by myself, even if it takes a long time for me to gain recognition. I will be alright soon. I just have to be strong. I don't wanna be anymore of a loser than I already am. I wanna be strong.


Goodnight,
xx
Jane.