Bye 2k15

2015 was a year where I achieved many great things. I passed my Pre-U exams and made it to degree (I made it sound impossible but I'm just really proud). I also met (or should I say re-met) the guy of my dreams and blossomed a beautiful relationship with him. I also went on a great trip with my friends and family. Celebrated my last teen with all the meaningful people in my life, went on multiple exciting adventures. Also, I just passed my driving test which was one of the main agendas I had to check of my list of 2k15. I also accomplished something I've always wanted to learn which was how to ride a freaking bicycle for 19 and a half years! I experienced working outside besides only helping my mom out at the shop,too! Overall, I had a pretty good year. Although, 2015 did start off pretty rocky but I have to say I had a hell of a good year this year. It wasn't a perfect year but I have to say 2015 was truly a great year as it came with heaps of life lessons and new purposes.

2015 also taught me how to be more positive in a way. I do have moments when I feel down and horrible for no reason also because life doesn't guarantee that it won't throw a boulder at me for no reason. I'll allow myself to be upset and moody for a little and pick myself up with a little help needed, but everything will be okay eventually.

I also learned that when you're not expecting, great things will magically make its way into your life. Have a little gratitude and live everyday as it is. Treat everyday like it's your second chance and appreciate the people around you.

Also, the best kinds of people are the ones you don't have to meet everyday but won't give you an awkward pause during conversations. Thank you 2015 for showing me who my true friends are. I can safely say that I don't have many people in my life I would consider them as my good friends but I do have a handful of people who I really consider family. Thank you guys! You know who you are!

I also learned that I couldn't and shouldn't trust a lot of people in life. Not everyone who seems to care, actually cares about you. They might seem to be a friend really, they're just fake as fuck.

I learned that if you make a list of what and how you want your future boyfriend to be and have (as in quality), it will come true! Well, at least it did come true for me. I have to say, meeting him (again) was one of the biggest highlight of 2015. I can't say more great things about this magical hooman being for all the things he has done, and all the things he does for me. He accepts me a 100% for the person I am and it feels amazing to finally be with someone who loves me with his whole-heart. I can't stress how great of a person he is as an individual too. I am truly grateful for the love we share and for the relationship we vowed to nourish together. Thank you for not letting me balance the see-saw alone. To a great year of 2016 together, sweetheart :) To many many more ups and downs to come.

Thank you for everything 2015, you have honestly been a great year but it's time to close this chapter and celebrate the upcoming year! Thank you for letting me grow into the person I am today. Good-bye 2015 and hello 2016!

It's right to be wrong

It took me from being with the wrong guys for me to finally understand what I want in my future relationship or at least what qualities I want. People would always comment on pictures and posts on my social media saying how we are 'Relationship goals' just because they see pictures of us smiling but no one knows what's happening behind all of it. I wouldn't say that my past relationships were complete shit (even if it felt that way) because without them I wouldn't have mature in the sense of knowing what I want before getting into another relationship. I wasn't happy with materials they gave me knowing that the person I love did not treasure me the way I felt that I deserved and trust me, I am worth more than terrible fights over nonsense that does not even add up. When two people freshly got into a relationship, it's all about the flowers, fancy dates and cute little surprises but what matters in my honest opinion is what comes after all those. I'm pretty sure you all can relate to that as we'd often start to feel frustrated when our partners won't be able to keep up with what they presented at the beginning. To me, it's simple. Be thankful for the little things your partner does for you and think of ways to show your partners simple appreciation.

Being with the wrong guy made me understand myself better. After my last break up with my ex, I assured myself with the fact that I will NEVER settle for anyone less than what I think I deserve. I made a list of what qualities I want my future boyfriend to possess. It's funny because no one in the world would ever fit so perfectly into what you want exactly in a person. It's simply impossible isn't it? Yeah, that was what I told myself. I kept that in my heart for months. I want someone who's kind and loving. Someone with good values and moral. Someone who has all the patience in the world. Someone who loves his parents a lot. Someone who cares about his future and would work his butt off in school. Someone who shares the same goals and interests as I do. Someone who would laugh at my lame jokes. Someone who understands me and most importantly, someone who would value me. 

I once read this post saying how this girl made a list on how she wishes her future boyfriend to be like and it all came true! I thought to myself that these things rarely happens and surely it will never happen to me. Strange enough it did. I know I broke up only for months but everything just feels right. I have never been so sure about being with someone before. I'm not just saying it, I promise. It didn't matter to me about the fact that it was 'fast' or 'too soon' because the puzzle pieces came together perfectly this time. When you know about something, you just do. For the first time I know what real love is. When you care about the other person's well-being and goodness above yours and simply when both parties in the relationship are working to maintain it, that's how you know. None of that one-sided bullshit occurs. Both of us know how much we love and appreciate each other. You know it's real when both of you see a future together, not just one party who pictures it all. 

I'm not saying you'll never have fights or rough times but when you do, both of you must be willing to put in effort in to make things work. Patch up your fights and let down your egos. Things will be fine as long as you admit your mistakes and learn about each other. Don't be afraid to grow together and learn. Don't be afraid to fall for the wrong person in order to find the right guy. I couldn't be happier that someone who fits all the criteria exists in my life. He came into my life when I least expected it and I honestly couldn't be more thankful. No relationship is easy but I hope that I'm doing my best to ensure he knows how I exactly feel for him. No relationship is perfect, but in this 3 months, I've learned so much and I truly hope that we will last. I do not want to look back in the future and regret the fact that I did not appreciate him well and enough. He has showered me in nothing but love, effort and patience and for that I am forever thankful and grateful for that.

So, don't be afraid to meet people and find out what you like and what you don't like in a person. Without being with the wrong person, you'll never know how amazing it feels being with the right person without knowing what isn't the best for you and also, make a list. 

xx

Unexpected

People always say that the best things happen at the most unexpected times and I have to agree to that. I told my friends about my 'no dick policy'  because I don't think I could find happiness again. I don't think that anyone would see and love me for the person I am. Hence, I made a list of things my future partner should possess so that I would never settle for anyone who I think is incompatible with me even at the slightest possible side. The thought of never finding someone who would fit everything on my pathetic list was the only thing in my mind but in reality, I'm wrong. Someone did fit every possible criteria that I want my future beau to be and it blows me away how it happened the way it happened. Maybe it was planned for it to happen the way it did - or not, but either way, I thank the stars that it did.

Months after the break up, I felt like there wasn't any need for me to settle down even when I did have guys going after me. I felt like my past still haunts me. I constantly thought about him and it wasn't love that still lingered in me but pain, hurt and betrayal. Not a great feeling at all. Feeling like I don't deserve to be happy and loved the way I love other people back with all my heart just felt like I'm a complete loser. I told my friends all about me having five dachshunds in the future and drinking expensive wine on my balcony in the evenings after I come home from work and they think that I am a bit insane but I honestly think that, that would be my future. I don't know but I honestly do not trust guys in general anymore. It scares me how they can say something and mean something else at the end of the day. If you really know me, if I don't see a future with someone the best thing I'll do is push them away. There's nothing more hurtful than someone not returning your love and trust me, I know exactly how it feels. I'm not some expert in this and being in a relationship is scary. It's like a game that we all want to play but is so afraid of losing because it will hurt like a bitch so badly. I don't exactly know how to get over the feeling I have been feeling for the past 5 months.

But then I met him again. He was my pre-school friend. It was unexpected but it was honestly one of my happiest moments in my life reconnecting with him. It's funny how you can meet someone when you are only 5 years old and lose touch with them and end up meeting them again. Like a second chance. Over a short period of time, we learned so much about each other. He has the dream of going on countless adventures and living everyday with no regrets and no turning back. He has the dream of travelling the world. He cares about his future, academics and career. He cares about his family. I don't know what it is about him but being out and about with him makes me forget about my past completely. He's so happy, cheerful and care-free. He reminded me of myself. How I used to be so care-free and happy. We have so many things in common it feels so comfortable being with him. We went on some adventures and vowed to try out everything together. Travelling, trying out mac n cheese from every hipster cafe that serves it, grocery shopping and tons of stupid things on our little bucket list. Being with him makes me forget about the world. I can stay at the park or McDonald's talking to him. I don't need fancy dates with him because just being able to have him by my side is enough to make me feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive. It's weird how new and strange this feels to me. I question myself sometimes if I'm making the right decisions to trust myself again but it does feel magical. He protects me all the time and the effort he puts in to make me smile just makes me melt. I have honestly never felt this content and genuine with someone. Being able to laugh over stupid jokes and talk about personal issues and feel so safe and secure is a blessing. I don't know if you'll ever read this post but if you are, I wanna thank you for helping me find myself again. I thank you for falling back into my life at the most unexpected time and because so, you are the best thing that has ever happen to me. I'm not worried about distance and not having you by my side all the time, but I am worried about how it would be 10 months from now. If our feelings will fade and will it be inconsistent and slowly turning a beautiful relationship into something one sided. It's not about the gifts, flowers and fancy dates but the amount of effort you put in just to see me smile at the end of the day. I am thankful for that. I don't know what the future has in store for us but I am excited to take one step at a time with you. Thank you for being such a gem in my life. Words can't describe half of the things I feel inside but I hope that one day, you'll be able to find out by seeing the effort and love I am willing to put in for you and for us.

Goodnight xx.

Promise me

"Promise me that when you fall for me, let it be forever. Even if forever is impossible, let me know that I will be loved by you everyday, every minute, every moment and I will promise you that I will love you will all my heart and soul everyday, every minute and everyday.

Promise me that you won't just put in effort during the chase but even after. Promise me that everyday will be like the first day you fall for me and I promise you the very same.

Promise me that you will love me. Love me for when I have assignments due and I am stressing out over the smallest things. Love me when I fall down, make a mistake and even when I have moments when I throw my temper at you. And I promise you that I will love you for better and for worst. 

Promise me that you will be patient. When I don't understand a situation or when I am going through something very difficult and that you do not understand, and I promise you that I will be my best for you when you are going through something that I do not or will not understand.

Promise me that you won't let go of my hand. Promise me that your hand will find its way to mine and never let go of it. I promise you that I will hold onto your hand no matter how bumpy the road is for us.

Promise me that we will always find the light out of the tunnel for every fight we go through. For every dark path we come across, you won't give up on finding a way to light it up for me and I promise that I will go through thick and thin just to find a way out if you are incapable of doing so at that moment.

Promise me you will give me your best and I promise that I will give you mine.

Promise me that you will still love me when I am wrinkly and fat at the age of 40. Promise me that you will still look at me like I am your prize possession and I promise you that your looks will never matter to me because all I ever see is you for the man that you have become.

Promise me that you will never cheat. Never betray my loyalty and most important to not betray yours. I promise that cheating is not even an option, nor a thought that will ever drift through my mind. If you are not happy with me, leave me. Promise me.

Promise me that you will treat my parents good. Love them, respect them and treat them like your own and I will love your parents like my own.

Promise me that you will be a good man. A man with a good heart. A man who is righteous and upright. A man who will treat his family right. I promise that I will be a good person because you inspire me to.

Promise me that you will never forget important dates. Anniversaries, birthdays, date nights, work due dates, remember them all. And I promise you that I will remember them even though my memory has the capacity of a goldfish.

Promise me that it will not be temporary."

tired of this

It's funny how it's 2.59am now and I can't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but I guess it's a fear for me to sleep now. Somehow recently I've been having really bad nightmares and I feel irradically afraid of waking up feeling the same exact way I feel before I fall asleep. I'm not sure what really is the cause of this. Not even sure if anyone ever understands what I'm trying to say.

Recently, my college has given us students an opportunity to set an entrepreneurship amongst ourselves and compete between groups to raise the most money to help a charity of our choice. Initially I never really planned to join but I did have the thought of it. I didn't really think much of it till one day Jess asked us all if we're interested to participate with one of her friends. I didn't know if I was going to be capable of doing things out of my own way as people might know that I'm kinda shy when it comes to speaking up or talking to people whom I don't really know. I joined anyway. I knew that I am going to be flooded with responsibilities and I cannot back out of it half-way through. We initially plan to just make our business small. Get products and sell them from our own branding but it gotten bigger and bigger. We (my team and I) had a much bigger vision for what we are capable of doing. The chose to help the refugee children from the Fugee School Malaysia and I don't know why everything just suddenly got bigger and bigger. I learned new things from every meeting and I sent emails to big companies and also called to enquire or made sure that the parties that we're associating with knows who we are. Responsibilities for each of us are getting heavier and heavier. Our plates were just overflowing. Maybe it's from the stress, which everyone of us have a fair share of, but I've been feeling so out of place and shape. My mind is tired even when my body isn't. Or vice versa. Things just aren't the best for me at this moment but I'm taking my time to appreciate all that is around me. But tonight is different. I feel the fear of being a bigger failure than I already am. There really isn't any logical explanation for why I feel this way. I don't seem to have the guts to fall asleep because I'm so afraid of my nightmares. I've never been so afraid of something in my life before. My anxiety is slowly creeping into me again and I don't know how to fight it. Can someone, or anyone save me? For so long I have been trying to keep myself busy to ignore problems like this but reality is I can never run away or hide. I need to face it and fight it. But how do I do it? How do I pick myself up again? And from where?

I told myself that I shall do it alone just because I was once told how dependent I was when I face a situation. I was told that I was immature when I cried. I was told that I was selfish when all I did was care. I guess people really underestimate what their words can do to someone because now, those words haunt me everyday. It makes me push away all sense of help I receive and that's not how it should be. I don't want help because I wanna prove to myself that I can be alright and up on my two feet by myself, even if it takes a long time for me to gain recognition. I will be alright soon. I just have to be strong. I don't wanna be anymore of a loser than I already am. I wanna be strong.


Goodnight,
xx
Jane.

It's still cloudy

"She was the girl, that came with the sunrise,"

I've recently been in a mini slump, a mini downfall. I actually don't know if it was a slump or downfall because overall I have still been feeling really crappy about how I feel. Maybe I can't even consider it as a downfall if I was never even up on me feet the entire time. It's really stupid to feel so low. It's stupid to feel like you owe something to someone or to feel so guilty about what happened to me. I'm guilty for letting someone hurt me the way he did and that's my fault.

That's not healthy.

I'm not healthy. 

I don't know how it's possible to be okay right now. Though, there really isn't anything to feel sad about at this moment, I can't seem to find the strength to know what I want and who I am completely as a person. I sound so dramatic but it's true. I don't know why it's that easy for people to get to me personally. I guess it's because I cared too much and the feeling of betrayal just tastes so bitter and heart-wrenching. Also, it could be the fact that I'm emotionally attached easily. I was? Now? I can't seem to give trust to anyone I know even if I do know in my heart that, that person is worthy of it. I can't afford to be shattered when I'm still in pieces. I can't afford to lose myself when I'm lost. 

But I understand that every end of a dark tunnel is where we finally see light, where we see things in a better way. I know that one day it will all be better. Day by day, I look for people who cares for comfort, people who would give me honesty and not be afraid of hurting my feelings because they want the best for me. I appreciate that people look past my flaws to bring out the best of me when all I see is someone who's completely useless and stupid. I'm getting better day by day, slowly but surely. I just don't want people to disappear and reappear as if I don't have feelings. If you don't want to stay in my life, then leave now and don't come back. If you choose to stay, stay with me. 

Of course, life has its way of working. And I know that even if I can't trust most people I meet and encounter, I should have faith that my life will work out the way it will eventually. As for right now, I'm thankful that I have people who loves me for better or worst. 

Thank you 

xx.

Jane.

Hey hey hey!

Finals are over! Well, just one more paper to go but but but it's almost over! After a long month I finally have time to do what I like and most importantly, to find myself again. I asked myself awhile back this question; If my 13 year old self saw the person who I am now, what would I think about myself? Would I be proud of myself? Would I approve of the person I have become?

And the answer is no. Although my 13 year old self won't be proud of me now, I wanna tell myself that it's not completely my fault for letting this happen to me. Ok, this post isn't going to be about me self-pitying myself I promise!

I'm not sure who's reading this but the month of April and May has been a crazy two months for me! I met new friends, tried new ice creams, went out for movies and had my finals (pretty sure I mentioned it too many times liao). I have three whole months to enjoy and have fun. I already have it all planned out, I'm going to work through the month of June and celebrate my birthday! Last teen liao, I feel so old oh my goodness T.T Hitting the big 2-0 next year but I still feel like a kid somehow. Anyways, getting back to my amazing holiday plans :D 

In the month of July, I'm going to have a mini getaway with my friends to the beautiful Redang island! I've never been there before so I hope everything will work out the way it's suppose to! Mom booked a mini getaway at a hotel near Raya,too. In August we're going on a family trip to the mainland! Honestly, I'm not super keen on the sidewalks covered with spit and the unsanitary toilets but it's a trip back to visit some distant relatives therefore I will do my best to endure T.T

Also, started working out :)

I feel healthier and happier and not to mention to prep myself for a bikini body :P Sorry, I don't want to look like a muffin T.T

Coming back in early September just in time to collect my results *cries* I hope I can pass everything to move onto degree >< 

*prays super hard*

But I can't wait for my busy holiday. Sounds kinda strange to say it but I am looking forward to keeping myself busy with work and hanging out with friends. Lunch dates to catch up over busy schedules and mini trips to the zoo and cafe hopping!

"Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark."-
Rabindranath Tagore

My final letter to you.

Dear you,

I guess by now you should know how I really feel about you. 

I blocked every possible guy out before I met you because I told myself that I never wanted to get hurt anymore. I never felt a special connection with many people but I did with you..

I guess I made a mistake too, by not knowing you well enough before I let you in deeper and that is my fault. You were the sweetest guy I've ever met. They way you cared for me when I had bad headaches and special deliveries of Starbucks and cakes. Nights when you didn't put me to sleep on calls, you would send me the sweetest 'Hey, I know you're asleep..' texts. 

I thought you were the greatest guy alive. You showed me what it takes to be a better person. I didn't learn all that just for you but to be a better person myself. 

You told me not to wear skirts because you were afraid of me slipping and showing accidentally. You told me not to go the gym or talk to guys because it wasn't your definition of loyalty. But what is yours? 

You did the same and even worst. All the things you told me, promised me, convinced me? They were never true. It was a mask. A mask to shield who you truly are inside just to get what every other man wants. And that's not the worst, as the worst was me believing that you could be someone different. I choose to believe that it was both of your faults. 

You blamed the whole thing on me. You blamed me for making people believe that it's always the guys' fault in breakups. You blamed me for our breakup because you said that I was inconsiderate, childish, immature and selfish. You said that all I looked at was money. You blamed me for walking out from your life if I did but fact is, I stayed. Throughout your worst I stayed.

You never told me things that troubled you. You kept secrets away from me and I ask myself why? If I was special enough to hold a place in your heart, why are you caging me back? What do you have to lose? Sometimes, looking at you I feel like I don't know you at all. 

You asked me for 'breaks' when we fought and I never got it. Breaks don't work. They never do. You either fix the problem now or let the problem break us. But I understand why you wanted them so desperately now. Your breaks are to mess around while you have me on a thread. Like a yoyo, to pull me up when you feel like it and push me away when you're tired of me.

You told me you would never cheat. That I was special enough for you to never do anything like that to hurt me but you were wrong. I'm not special enough. And you never loved me. Because if you did, you would have never hurt me with words that are as painful as an open wound when we fight. If you loved me, you would have never taken counts when you do things for me. If you loved me willingness surpasses ability because if there is a will, there is a way but you never even had the will in you. If you loved me, you would have never cheated. What you told me that you never want me doing that could 'jeopardize' our relationship, I never did. Instead, you did them all. You looked for the aid of your girl best friend when we had problems. Our problems, and you told me that I shouldn't go to anyone else with our problems, especially not guys. 

You lied to me. Looking back, I can't tell myself that what we had was real anymore. Because I believe that it was never true and you're the reason for why I'm the way I am now; messed up, lost and insecure. I threw away everything you gave me. All the letters, the dream catcher and every little knick-knack. You used to say that I kept my ex's gifts because I still think of him but that's not it. I value the things I receive. You made me throw it all away and I did to prove to you how loyal I am towards you. But I can't keep anything you have given me.. because it doesn't hold any value to me. Not anymore. 

I gave you back your gifts because I'm not someone who is money minded. No matter how much I like that wallet and the necklace, they don't mean anything to me when your perspective of me is so low. I choose not to have it. I choose not to hold on to it anymore. Not because I don't value them, but they are valueless already.

The pain you gave me made me build a wall where the next person who would take a challenge to break down, is going to have a tougher time doing so. Because trust can never be the same towards me anymore. I can't look at things differently and tell myself that the next person is going to be different unless that person can prove me wrong. 

You can burn the letters I gave you, the jar of notes, the pillow I made you, the PS4 camera, Throw away everything that comes with a memory of me but they do not matter anymore. You taught me something very valuable, which is not to trust someone completely anymore. That no matter how convincing someone is at the beginning, if there isn't a consistency of effort throughout the relationship, I know how things are going to end. People don't change, people just stop pretending to be someone they're not and the real person in them shows. 

You never changed, you just stopped being the person who you aren't. I gave my all in our relationship and I guess it's time for me to find someone who's willing to give me his all, too. 

I deserve as much happiness as I give. I deserve someone who would accept me for better or for worst. I deserve someone who knows me well and still loves me even when I throw hardcore tantrums when I feel shitty. Someone who would pick me up when I'm helpless and down in the dirt to deserve me when I'm happy and on top of the world. 

 This will be my last letter to you. 

Signing off, 

your ex.

Our life is what our thoughts make it. - Marcus Aurulius

T for trust

Hey, took awhile for me to come back to blogging and I admit that I don't have the consistency to blog all the time. Finals are coming back again real soon but tonight, I feel the need to let out some thoughts.

Everynight for the past week, the only thing that was in my mind was 'why'? Why did things happen the way it did? Why did that person do what that person to do to hurt me this bad? I'm not here to bad mouth anyone. If things were bound to happen, I couldn't stop them. I can never stop anything in God's will. I'm not a big believer in superstitions and what not but I guess I do believe in, if things are meant to be this way then it's meant to be this way. Nothing and no one can stop it. Is it tough for me to accept it? To take it in? Yes. Is it hard for me to process all these negativity? Yes. 

Yes, people will never get the way I feel. They don't know how I'm hurting inside. They don't know how it feels to be cheated. To have your trust taken away just like that as if it doesn't matter. Like you don't even matter as a person. I am thankful to have countless support from my friends. I am thankful to know things and hidden secrets now than in the future, but why? 

Trust is like a piece of paper. Once you crumple it, you can't straighten it seamlessly anymore. Trust is like a valuable piece of glass. Once you break it, you can never put the shattered pieces together anymore. Once you break someone's trust, that person is broken. You can't fix that person and even if you do, it wouldn't be the same anymore. 

Promises are important to me. Promises should be important to everyone. A promise is a bridge to build trust. Without promises, there wouldn't be a trust bridge built. If you can't keep a promise, don't make them. It's as simple as that. Be consistent with what you say and what you do. These are the little things that makes a difference in someone's life. If you can't be the same person from the beginning, don't be that person you are then. 

When people ask me to forget about the whole situation and move on, I just want to clarify one thing. It's not that I can't forget it and move on. You can't have someone giving you a painful cut that is as deep to a point where your bones is visible and ask that person to not feel the pain. This is an aftermath, it's impossible. You can't give them a time limit to stop feeling pain. Eventually it will heal, yes. But for the moments where the pain is excruciating, asking someone to forget about it is impossible. However, I am thankful for the people in my life giving me positivity and support towards me. For not giving up on me even when I'm difficult. The way the pull me up when I don't have the strength to get up. I see it and they will never know how thankful I am to have them in my life. I might not show it but in my heart, I thank you all tremendously.
I will learn to let it go slowly. The pain will subside and the cut will heal. It will leave a scar. A scar to remind me not to play with knives, for it will hurt no one but myself. A scar that has taught me a lesson. A scar that made me realize how important it is to be a better person each and everyday to not be at where I am again. A scar that will remind to be careful with the people I know and will meet in the future.
It's going to be a difficult lock for the next person to break, but it is worth it to put my guards up in order to not get hurt the way I did this time.

''He didn't like it when I wore high heels

But I do

Turn the lock and put my headphones on

He always said he didn't get this song

But I do, I do'' - Begin Again-Taylor Swift