It isn't easy doing that.

Day 4 dying.

OMG! I cried for days. Nights too.. I couldn't help not to. It's so painful. He's so happy with his life now. I don't know what to do. All I wanna do is to forget and study.. But I just couldn't forget.. or study now. Shit. It's effecting my studies. I don't know who to talk to now. I feel so so lost. I couldn't really find a person to share my problems with now. A right person. I really.. don't know what's the meaning of life now. Yes I know, I'm very stupid. But crying day and night? How about that? He is so so happy.. And I'm the opposite. Why did he played me? If he didn't really liked me, then why did he tell me? Why did he lied to me? Why am I so stupid? WHY? He poached my heart. So painful. Does he feel the same still? Why am I still thinking? I'm crying now. Losing my senses. Everyone's asking me to forget. Even he is trying to forget me. So, why am I still thinking? Dipshit.. bullshit. If I could wish for anything? I'd wish for a turn. I wanna die. I so hate myself. I don't know what else I could do.? I don't know how to face him. I don't think he'd even bother to look at me when I see him. I think tears would bust out from my eyes. Or hide in the toilet.. I give myself a 10% today.

I feel like a dumbass. My friends are helping me.. Everyone's asking me to forget. HELL I KNOW! But it's not easy to forget! It's not i could do it! Everyone's telling me not to think about him. Bullshit.. Yes I know, I should. But, have you thought of how hard could it be? It's like.. making a cow to play a piano. The more I'm listening to 'Another Hearts Call', the more I'm crying. I remember the times we laugh.. My life's a disaster now. He's in a mess? I don't think so, he's more happy than me like.. 70% I could tell. It's like nothing to him.

I ate medicine. My sickness isn't gone. It's becoming worst. I did not smile. I didn't eat much. I'm losing weight. I'm starving myself. No one cares. Even if I died. Joking la. :( I'd never ask for anyone but you.. I don't know what to do. I really don't. My paths are dark. Cold. Grandma's asking me to eat but I told her I wasn't hungry. Mum's gonna kill me.

Hate myself. Like I said, someone stab me and run. Or I suddenly get brain damage.. OR tumour. OR a cancer. Bleak.. Or suddenly faint. And die the next. Fun. Wish me luck.. haih..

Loves, Janey. The sulking. :(